I had a friend in high school who was always late for everything. His stock excuse? "I had to go to Springfield Mall." The best part was he always said it as if it were the most self-evident fact of life and he could barely believe that we would dare question his need to be at Springfield Mall rather than doing…

This is exactly the way I like to exercise my power as a boss. I like to go up to my subordinates unexpectedly and use a pointer and extravagant gestures while I lecture them in great detail about what it is they are doing. I like to issue arbitrary deadlines and change their priorities mid-project.

I like nekkid women as much as the next guy (or in in this case, as much as the next mob of 60 thoroughly modern feminist lesbians), but I read this wishing I could have chimed in to warn them that strip clubs are soul-crushing pits of existential despair that cannot be redeemed even by the sight of bare breasts. And…

Really, the only perfect answer to this question is "Myself."

I have decent feeling in the area of my middle finger injury, though I have a dead patch on the tip of my left index finger from an unrelated knife incident. You'd think I'd learn to quit cooking, but no...

Yes, that was just it - there was a little flap of skin left holding on and that seems to be the key to letting it heal back in place. Thank god I didn't just cut the flap the rest of the way off to get it out of the way (which would have been a very ME thing to do back then) or I'd have a very oddly shaped fingertip.

I never attempted to cut off my tail to find out. Fortunately.

Hey, I partially cut off the tip of my finger with a meat slicer during morning prep, but since there was nobody else to work the sandwich line, I wrapped it in gauze and paper towels, covered it in masking tape and went back to work. Amazingly, it grew back on (I am not making this up) and to this day, 30 years…

I will need to make a special trip to visit this restaurant. They had me at "puree of sausage and lard"

Michelle Malkin. On one hand, I sort of admire her act of self-creation, how she has managed to parlay her skills into a national brand at such a young age. On the other hand, she is the worst fucking columnist working in English today.

My 11 year old has decided these idiots need a spanking. And I am hard-pressed to disagree.

There is another possibility to explain these symptoms - an explanation my wife and I have considered and accepted as true during our long and utterly inexplicable imprisonment in Philadelphia some years ago (A supposedly one year stay turned into eight years of Kafka): that the Greeks had it right and there is in…

These blast points, too accurate for Sand People.

I saw one of these fly some stunts at an air show at Andrews Airforce Base many years ago. Unbelievable - everything else in the air paled in comparison (curiously, the only thing that was comparably impressive was a vintage Corsair, which can do breathtaking things for a prop aircraft).

Oh, come on, you KNOW that was deliberate. The original allegations broke in 2005. The rest of the rest of the world may have paid little attention, but the case was huge news in Philadelphia. Not only is Tina Fey in the entertainment industry, where I am sure the case was buzzed about, but she is also from Upper…

Brevity is the soul of wit. And the original story is a good example of what might happen if a creepy ghost story were to be told by, say, The New Yorker, which is fabulously well written but has never met a four-page story that could not be dragged out to 12 pages for no particular reason. Which is to say, about a…

Clove is one of those spices that should be used only by highly trained professionals, equipped with proper safety equipment. It is not for use around children, pregnant women, or the elderly. I actually have a beef stew recipe that calls for cloves. I happen to like it, but everyone I have ever dated, married,…

Golf without Tiger? Well, it will get really tedious to watch on television.

Not ok. Even if it is magnificent in every respect. Not. O. K.

Maybe we should sink it first, then be all like "oops, I thought it was a real aircraft carrier and got all scared. Sorry."