For years, women have been pounding on the glass ceiling. With similar results.

How big?

This is a good opportunity to not make bigoted comments or claims that betray a basic ignorance of how gender identity and/or human biology work.

Kim Jong Un killed a lot of people.

The Kim Jung Un one killed me

Hand me a pile of Legos and you might as well block out the next 3 to 4 hours. Throw in some Tinker Toys or an Erector Set and just hold my calls for the day.

Sorry folks, Astroworld has been closed since 2005. Moose out front shoulda told ya.

Give Danica a break. That was the first time she ever saw someone in her rearview mirror.

Proud of you Jennifer. Don't listen to the assholes. This is how progress is made. Two steps forward, then a hesitant shuffle to the side, and then WHAM, three steps backwards through the air.

This explains why Bob Costas picked Daft Punk to medal.

Here in Missouri, "Truman's Day Spa" is a euphemism for taking a brisk walk, reading the paper with a hot cup of black coffee and then enjoying a firm bowel movement.

Good duckfaces, guys.

Only if he was driving their bus.

Glazer, on the guy at Subway never fully cutting through the bottom of his footlong: "Oh, yeah, I'd break it in two, seconds."

Glazer, on the record velocity of light in a vacuum of 186,000 miles in a second: "Oh, yeah, I'd break it in two seconds."

• Glazer, on outing a gay NFL player: "Oh, yeah, I'd break it in two seconds."

I've been wondering: Is there any way to download these in a package like a zip? That would be helpful so I don't have to individually.

Who crosses the line and flashes a sign
Two fingers high in the sky?
Digits up and down, acting a clown,
Everyone knows it's Sjinkie.