As far as I’m concerned, ketchup is the most toxic substance on earth. I hate it so much that it is not allowed in my home. If someone visits and wants to eat the ketchup they brought with them, they must eat on the patio. And they must take the garbage with them when they’re done. If I so much as smell it, there will…

I live near the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee and every few years or so there’s a story on the news about some bamf bear who marched his hungry ass down off the mountain and broke into a candy store in Gatlinburg. They always go after the caramel apples. They are so much smarter than the rest of us.

So not true! I come from a very political family. But for the better part of my childhood, I assumed his name was Satan in a Greaser Wig.

I wasn’t born until 1979. I feel like I missed out on something really great.

I know this wasn’t the point, but I somehow ended up watching, like, 50 commercials from 1978 on Youtube after watching the douche commercial. I now have this bizarre desire for some coke and some platform shoes.

I’m going to leave this very short, but incredibly informative article from my favorite writer at my favorite independent paper. It explains why it’s important to not conflate the Confederacy with ‘the South’ and destroys the “heritage not hate” argument. It’s worth the read, I promise. The answer to his question…

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

We have this here in Knoxville. It’s pointless. It’s inconvenient and uncomfortable, at least for the customer. No thanks.

Thank you. My inheritance was a giant box of old photos and I couldn’t be more thrilled.

Long after the slide was lost/destroyed/hidden/whathaveyou, we still used the banana sprinkler to run through. Even my brother used it and he’s 10 1/2 years younger than I. Then, sadly, in the early 2000s, my grandpa finally ran over the banana sprinkler with the lawnmower and it was no more. Honestly, though, I think…

Haha! He probably would have liked that you said that. He died this past February at the age of 84 and he had grown very small and frail in his old age. He was not a sentimental guy in the least, so it surprised me when he pulled out a photo album one day a few months before his death and brought it over to me. He…

Thank you. She was even more beautiful inside than outside, if you can imagine that. I miss her a lot. But I love to look at her old photos.

Oh my gosh. I already posted once, but that was before I found THIS. I can’t even believe this exists. I forgot all about it. Check out my asymmetrical leopard print bathing suit. Whoo-hoo. And those are my mom’s jellys in the background. Circa 1984.

Looks like my landlocked summers. But I had a Slip N Slide. Okay, okay. It wasn’t a real Slip N Side. It was the knockoff called (get this) Wet Banana.

I think I had that pool!

I am going to blow this bitch up because old photos are MY LIFE.

I would drink beers with Dan Conner at the Lobo Lounge ALL. DAY. LONG.

A kid I was babysitting said that to me once. “I think it’s okay when big people are yittle (little).” I thought it was adorable. But she was three years old. Not a grown ass man.