Title IX Administrator: “If you don’t want to be stalked and assaulted, you should probably not go to Richmond.”

I haven’t - I totally need to check that out! John Oliver is the bee’s knees.

Upon consulting my trusty conversion calculator to confirm this is as funny as I was hoping it was, I present to you:

Why is it on him to start a conversation? She obviously didn't bother speaking to him either.

Ohai, Amy Schumer.

I have a form of arthritis that causes debilitating heel pain and I can manage three hours standing in heels. I mean, I go home and cry afterwards, but that’s beside the point. The point is, I’m a good stander. The best at standing. Trump’s standing is very subpar. Sad!

I am one of those people who ruins meat by overbooking it. If there's the slightest tinge of pink or blood I start to think about what I'm eating and I get gaggy.

I vividly remember the first time I asked for a raise. I found out that a male co-worker was making more than I was, even though I had been with the company three years longer, was trained to work in four departments including supervisory and he was only trained to work in one, and I’d always had excellent performance…

I now realize I have been shading incorrectly my whole life. Thank you for your public service, Kara.

When I was five years old, my school put me on the wrong bus home. Instead of returning me to the school where my parents could be called, the bus driver just dropped me off at the end of her route. I walked over a kilometre home to find my mother organizing a search party. When I told her what happened she flipped…

I don't think any of us ever told our parents. We were terrified of that guy.

I had a teacher who smoked weed in his car during his planning period, then steal my lunch and waste half the class showing us Virginia O’Keffe vagina paintings.

I think I had your teacher’s equally evil twin in Grade Six, except his weapon was an autographed puck he'd throw at us when he was mad. He also threw a desk/chair across the room WITH THE KID STILL IN IT.

As a non-American, can I just say how much it freaks me out that a large swath of your population is so casual about carrying around knives and guns? I’d never even SEEN a gun until I was 23 years old, and only then because I took a trip to Florida. Next time I make a trip down there I’m not stepping off Disney…

I’d prefer he got a death row pardon two minutes too late.

He’s from Siberia. His face is frozen that way.

There’s men out there who would find a way to rape your disembodied, floating head.

I totally wanted Chessie to be my mom.