Unless you're my house cat. It takes him six tries to jump up on the bathroom counter.

True story: I had a cat named Houdini. He could open a crank window when he wanted to go outside.

Almost all boxes are too small for my Chairman Meow, but that doesn't stop him.

I mean, we've got some linguistic idiosyncrasies up here, but we're not THAT weird.

Hey, chickens are decent people.

I’m gonna be that gross pedant who pipes up to say it’s papier, not paper, mâché.

IIRC, she literally brought sugar cookies to schools because no uppity FLOTUS was going to tell them how to eat.

I'm a little confused by your timeline. Saturday and June 5th are two different days.

I think it could even be cut down to a simple “M.A.” and we'd all just nod sadly in agreement.

The 80s were the high water mark for amazing, cheesy cartoons. My cat Chairman Meow is often called Snarf, for obvious reasons:

Well, fuck that guy with a rusty spoon.

Please please please, let's make it a lesbian love triangle with Betty White as the trophy girl stuck in the middle.

It's so adorable that you don't understand hyperbole!

Wait, you can apprehend a fleeing suspect with non-lethal means? The #AllLivesMatter folks told me differently

I once woke up the morning after a party to find someone had left a cheese grater and a block of cheddar in my bathroom. But a cheese grater makes a pretty crappy weapon.

A million stars for you

I think twatwaffle describes him pretty well.

To be fair, L’Avventura was a frigging terrible movie. Even the French get it right every once in a while.

A couple years ago, someone broke into my aunt’s house on Christmas morning while she was at church. Didn’t steal anything, but they ate her turkey