I'll tell you about the time I beat jury duty. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.

I really, really thought they'd be a better prey than that. It took, like, an hour!

And a glass of water for dippin'!

THIRD - The garage… it was a BDSM porno with a warning that what I was about to watch was extreme in nature and not for sensitive people, that what I was about to watch would possibly haunt me. A dude drags a woman into a dungeon and I'm thinking, "Oh, fuck, is he going to kill her?" He spends like a couple minutes…

SECOND - The abandoned car. It was eyeball surgery from an optometrist's office. It was gnarly!

Fuck it, I'll just tell all.

When my nephew gets old enough to be disappointed by things, I want to offer him nachos and serve those goddamned things up.

She calls it a mayon-egg!

Whaaaat? What the hell happened? It's crockpot meat, flavors and Coca-Cola, man! I blame the seller of the meat! I take no responsibility for almost killing an AV Club commenter!

I always imagine a kiss from Dik to look like:

A lifetime of Simpsons references and engaging Breitbart trolls even though I know better? This is hell, then?

Sit down, guys, I'm gonna tell you one of the stories I've already told multiple times on this website… which do you wanna hear? The one about the VHS tape I found in the squeegee thing at a gas station, the tape in the abandoned car, or the tape in the garage?

"Hi, Homer, find your soul mate!"

They'll Never Stop The AV Club!
Have no fears, we've got comments for years, like
Bart Fargo becomes a robot,
Maybe Dikachu gets a cell phone, has Mrs. Langdon Alger ever owned a bear?

*sniff*

I'm trying to reach 20,000 comments before the kinjapocalypse tomorrow and I can't think of a better place to kill a bunch of comments than a Simpsons article.

That's all I've got.

Let me tell you a story in 119 masterful comments.

I only have 120 comments left before I hit 20,000 and it's the last day before the "kinjapocalypse."

Hey, I never complained about the whoring.