I want to see the Aurora Borealis. It's been kind of a lifelong dream of mine I want to realize one day.

"Mmoohh!! Mmmphat's mmhreeat!"

That deathstare is the look you give at all times when you realize your soul is dogshit.

I'm like the ideal audience for when a TV show wants to have a surprising twist because for some reason I just usually never see them coming. Or when I try to predict a show, I end up being horribly, horribly incorrect.

I was 17 and it was "Senior Ditch Day" where the seniors all skip class to do something fun. I ended up hanging out with some girl miles out of my league, but we were on the beach and I was like doing my best to be charming when a seagull shat right on my crotch. Just a sudden explosion of white where my dick should…

Dude, that the fuck is going on with Mandy Moore's face in that picture? I understand that she's laughing, but she also looks photoshopped in order to be nothing more than squints and a mouth.

I've never been attacked by a bird, but I must have done something to be object of their ire, because I can't even tell you how many times a bird has shit on me.

Oh, this is such a rip-off of Birdemic!

One of my favorite things about the new Twin Peaks is that they have a musical act in every episode. And I'm glad that NIN was featured in that episode.

Hey, it happens to the best of us. Just go to the bathroom, get cleaned up, and we'll never, ever talk about this again.

Does he still mumble like he's got marbles in his mouth and he's angry about it?

Dollaridoos?

She'd probably poo-poo the idea.

That WAS a phone number. She got nervous and smudged it.

She's not bad, right?

*two hours of really unfunny, mean jokes*

No, I sleep in a big bed with my girlfriend.

You know there's alt-right fan fiction that must exist of this already. Kid Rock gently fingering Trump's asshole while he wipes the pre-cum off his dick with a Confederate flag.

"These days the only partying I do is with the Tea Party! And the only middle finger I give to authority is to sexually satisfy it!"

I want to talk about how much I hate him, because there's a lot of material there, but everything that's been happening politically… and in my life, you know, I just don't have the energy. All that I'm going to do is go home, order a pizza and watch the DuckTales movie with Rip Taylor as a genie. And I'm going to…