I remember being told again and again how great The Blues Brothers is, and when I watched it it was like 2 and a half hours of car crashes and chase scenes.

I'd see a disco version of Julius Caesar.

I laughed my fucking ASS off watching the Malibu Stacy episode recently when the tour guide says there's a little bit of fairy dust in the air, then cuts to:

Luckily, I've had friends who've gone through the same thing, so I knew how awful it was going to be as soon as I saw them. I feel like people who don't know how bad it can be do a small fix that works, forget about it, and accidentally allow the infestation to become a fucking epidemic. When you have an epidemic…

*shoots gun at TV screen to change the channel*

I should have read your username first, because I was genuinely terrified/possibly-excited you were one of the people there.

The Be Sharps episode is one of my all-time favorite episodes of The Simpsons. It's so, so good. It begins hilariously and never lets up. The beginning has so many great lines from "Oyster Lucille Ball" to "Whoa! A Methuselah rookie card!" and "Strati-who-vious?"

Hm. What a nice fellow.

One of the hardest I've laughed in my life was when my friends and I were all on 'shrooms and I had been chewing on a cinnamon toothpick all night because it gave me something to do and I enjoyed the taste. I lost it and I was like, damn, where'd it go? So my friend quoted Barney, the whole "Whare's me toothpick?"…

Goddamn, that all sounds like an awful waste of money. Even with a HUGE success, a studio doesn't seem to make a whole lot on ROI.

I just don't give a shit what people wear. You want to wear flannel with suspenders and an 1800s mustache? Look, I don't give a fuck. I have to work all goddamned day, we have a president who's rolling back every small victory his predecessor made, while selling us out to Russia and he's getting away with it. If…

Or you could just wear superhero cat shirts!

It's a G-rated way of saying he's the shit. King Shit of Fuck Mountain, if you will.

I don't know enough about how it all works, but is it safe to say that even with a gross of almost $500 mill worldwide, it's still a flop? In the U.S., it's only made $118 million.
Because I know for overseas gross, the studios probably take only about half of that, and then outside of the massive, $217 million…

My nephew is two and luckily he's really into dinosaurs and all variety of sea life. He loves Jurassic Park and Finding Nemo so it's like, fuck it, throw those things on.

My 30th birthday sucked, too. Maybe it's a thing that just happens, I dunno. I turn 31 in a few weeks and I hope to god that it's a good birthday.

If I have to battle it out with a giant queen bed bug I fucking will. I'm like Ripley from Aliens now: I want fucking vengeance!

Whenever I think about the reality of the infestation, I shudder. I've had the bites on my arms for WEEKS. I searched my bed weeks ago and didn't find anything. I was at my sister's house and she saw the rash going down my arm and I was like, "I just keep hoping it's not bed bugs somehow," and everyone was like,…

What the fuck happened to Michael Rapaport? He used to be an abrasive person who occasionally appeared in movies I enjoyed. Then, he became the guy to espouse incorrect opinions, mock minorities and shame women. He's… truly despicable.

Now I'm just picturing bed bugs getting anonymously sucked off all around my house and now I'm forever scarred, like that dude from Fear & Loathing who caught flea licking LSD off of Johnny Depp's sweater.