I absolutely love the not-so-subtle slide into pathos reflected by the move from cheap beer to cheap canned Scotch. It mirrors the life trajectory of the average Deadspin commenter. Yep, me too.

Time that will help your bruises heal.

If I had to pick one aspect of modern or postmodern life that threatens to destroy my soul on a moment-by-moment basis, it's the idea that "brand" matters. I get why we have advertising and I don't have a blanket objection to it — I'm no Communist, in case the NSA is listening (and they are!) — but the idea that…

Clearly it's a slow news day at Deadspin Worldwide HQ.

"You're a pretty good doggy! And YOU'RE a perfectly adequate doggy! Now, YOU are a FANTASTIC DOGGY and I am proud to name you DOGGY OF THE MONTH!!!!!!"

I know it, God love him.

there it is... Peak Gronk.

"This is a man cloning himself so he can better suck his own dick."

I'm so sorry.

as if anything any of us could say would make a difference, but I am so very sorry for your loss.

"When careers are at stake, you'd be amazed at how much people can invest in completely idiotic things."

As a Saints fan who has suffered the late-game Brady magic, I am amazed that anyone is even trying to argue Brady isn't, at the very least, close to the best. And then it occurred to me... Drew, you're getting trolled handsomely. Congrats Barry... you win the

"I'm just here to lay an egg and/or take a dump."

Relax, everyone. I'm pretty sure he's kidding and/or trolling.

Delicate skin covered in a white, cheesy substance vs. a Katy Perry performance... How would one know the difference?

Of COURSE it happened during a Predators broadcast.

More like IlluminHOTTIE, amirite? ...guys?

The first reason is "daddy issues," but probably not the kind you are imagining.
Honestly, I've never met a man a great as my father.

Where, oh where is Raysism when we need him?