all true, but you are leaving something out. You DO NOT DARE BITCH about any of this, because it's legitimately ten times rougher for your wife. She will straight-up cut you, with total justification.

Darn you... you took the joke I came all the way here to say. I swear I thought of it first, didn't I?

I seriously LOLed at your last paragraph, particularly the Troy Aikman part. Very well done. (That I actually thought it was funny and not harrowing says something scary about me, I suppose.)

I think he traveled.

+3 to 5 in Federal custody

Very well done. +2001

Like I said before. No vid, didn't happen.

"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them a facial."

I'll be singing the U.S. and Canadian anthems tonight at the Raptors-Hawks game in Atlanta.

Come on man... not everyone who still believes there is a place for sportsmanship is 89 years old. I agree the hating on the guys who like to showboat is a little extreme, and sometimes racist... but I still admire players who let their performances speak for them and don't have to augment them with bullshit.

Unlike Steve Smith, you've still got it.

"We are Americans, which means we think way too highly of ourselves and think we deserve more than we actually deserve."

His face is eminently punchable.

This is Deadspin. It will never be over.

"It ain't braggin' if you can do it." -Dizzy Dean, 1935 Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech

I think you just changed my life.

"Love Actually" the first time should have been your cue to exit stage anywhere.

C'mon man...you're being totally unraisinable.

While I don't dispute that false rape allegations are pretty rare, I don't think that should matter AT ALL in adjudicating — in actual court or the court of public opinion — individual cases like this one. Every set of circumstances is different from every other.

"And it's best if you stay in the foyer. I'm still contagious."