I mean, as Jewel said: “As a feminist, I can’t support everything that’s being said tonight, but as somebody who hates Ann Coulter, I’m delighted.”

11.4% of people are fucking retarded.

I haven’t seen backpedaling that awkward since my dad realized mid-rant that he was talking about immigration policy to a guy whose last name was Ramirez.

There’s no respect any more for being straight and white in this country.

Katmandidn’t

I’m crying on the toilet, and I didn’t even have Chipotle yesterday.

Great. Now I’m crying in a McDonald’s. And it's not for any of the usual reasons.

“Like Uber, but for cropdusting strangers.”

“Revolutionize your communication. P(b)ITCH: the app that calls people ‘bitch’ at a frequency too high for human ears.”

Every car I’ve ever owned has had reverse where it belongs: between P and N. You can keep your Flintstones cars.

“I won an Emmy for playing a woman dying of leukemia on L.A. Law, starring Harry Hamlin and Susan Dey.”

Listen to ‘Thinkin Bout You’ both the studio/album track and then look up his Saturday Night Live performance of it.

So Lochte basically told the Cartman version of the story

Time can neither slow down nor speed up, my friend. We’re all on the same thread, cruising through the universe, man.

That’s actually a lot better.

Fixed it, your welcome.

Thank goodness he's ok - it would have been really ugly if he dyed.

Andrew said bulge.

No, traffic is caused by epic fucksticks who dont know shit about driving or living in a society.