my man needs to tackle the easy shit first, like single-payer healthcare

while we’re at it, Lonzo should check his birth certificate to make sure ‘Born 2 Ball’ is in fact accurate

3 things about his old man:

The family saga behind Market Basket is Victorian as hell tho, specifically Bleak House. I think it’s still the biggest private lawsuit in the history of Massachusetts. 

my theory is that she started to date him because she thought he was Blake Griffin (a much better player and much much bigger star) and went through the whole marriage thing rather than admit she goofed

and Nikola Vucevic just forgot Derrick Jones Jr. is lefthanded

I remember when you ordered Domino’s so you didn’t have to get in the car

haven’t seen such prejudice against Bennets since Jane Austen smh

furthermore, they shit all over themselves in order to cool off, which again, kind of the opposite of Screamin’ A

the other big difference is turkey vultures will unleash massive spews from their mouth only in self-defense

Serve it shallow? Who’s his coach, Lady freakin’ Gaga??!?

“Today the US Attorney brings charges against Michael Avana.... Avanti... Avennnot gonna practice law anymore, anyway.”

*Pete Campbell voice* NOT GREAT, MAN

Hope this Jeremy shot will get Eddie Vedder off his ass to write some new shit

this is basically the academic equivalent of coming to Snoop’s party with a gang of Tanqueray

he also wrote a HoF sports blog (Fire Joe Morgan) and is one of six people to have read Infinite Jest more than once, so what you should really be asking him is how he’s broken the space-time continuum to somehow have 36 hours in a day

[extremely Hall & Oates voice] whoa-oh here they come, it’s the Ant-eaters

SORRENTINE!!

this new plan must have former brand ambassador Peyton Manning scratching his head

three-pack > two-pack, but Tupac > Threepio