"How the fuck is this news?"

Oh I love to tell this story to people!

I think my 5 year-old nephew is already on to the no-Santa thing. He was being hyper the other day when I was watching him and I told him to be good or Santa might not come. He just looked at me like I was an idiot and said he'd still get presents from Grandma so he didn't care.

My third grade teacher to the entire class as we were practicing for the Christmas concert, "You brats better be louder than that or your parent's will stop giving you gifts as Santa and you won't get all the things on your greedy little lists."

I was 8, I think, when I found all the gifts I'd ever left for Santa hidden in the back of my dad's sock drawer. (Yes, I was snooping for no good reason.) But I just felt bad for my dad getting found out. I pretended to believe for a couple more years because I thought that would make him happy. (I was raised by a…

SANTA'S NOT RILL?

Easiest way to learn Santa doesn't exist: be Jewish.

My Daddy told us that Santa is the good in everyone's heart.

1991. Boyz n the Hood.

The dog is obviously a lawyer.

I like to whip it out and then when servers look at me like I'm an ass, I just say, "I'm nobody. There's absolutely no reason for you to know who I am" and continue to be my cordially drunk self.

Based on my experience, I figured their business model was surreptitiously changing the default search engine on my browser.

John Foot

You're wrong.

Every week I think you will run out of good stuff for Emmitt. Every week I am proven wrong. Bravo.

John Man

I didn't celiac this coming at all.

The last thing Jay Cutler wants any part of is giving a young kid a shot.

Gonna miss this show so much

Gluten for Punishment!