In Applespeak, a gimmick is an “innovation,” while multiple gimmicks are referred to in plural as a “revolution.”

Well thank God you can preemptively whine about them whining. Because that’s better.

Once shots were fired, however, the station quickly cut to Rudy Giuliani at a conference.

“No video; didn’t happen”

“Bruce Miller is a leader in the AARP community.”

Bengals. He’d match with Andy Dalton.

Hi, I’d like to create a joke that this Bruce Miller will soon be signing with another team that is notorious for having players with legal trouble in their employ. Should I go with Raiders? Cowboys? Bengals? Suggestions are welcome. I’m going for something topical. Best, B

It’s so sad when CTE causes players this young to get confused and make mistakes that land them in situations like this. He actually meant to assault his wife.

RIP Teddy Bridgewater

“...how is it not cool to say you died fighting as a knight?”

You think that’s bad? I keep hearing about some rich guy saying America’s full of losers, worse than the worst war zones, that we’re run by crooked liars, that Russia’s great, etc. Really traitorous stuff. Of course the guy’s American, going after his own kind. Sad!

Though it is possible you only feel that way because you’re high.

Not sure about winning or losing, but I know my father has been much less annoying since he stopped drinking beer and started using medical marijuana.

I’ve always wondered this — what gender do you use to refer to a transgender person in the past? As in, one of my former friends is a man now, but in the past, when I knew them, they were a woman. So when I’m telling a story that happened when they were a she, should I use she? I’m tempted to say yes, similar to how…

I hate her so, so much. Like as much as I hate cancer and Nazis.

Did he miss the Republican convention? I think he missed the Republican convention.

Why couldn’t 2016 just take the guy from Spin Doctors instead?

SO.MUCH.SCREAMING.

Official attacked in 3rd Division Central American game?

Speak English? Why would I want him speaking like a British twat? Dude better learn to speak American or get out.