That took me a while to read, as my supervisor kept walking past my desk, but it was worth it. You, sir, are a genius.

Kessel is the one professional athlete that makes me feel like I'm in shape.

Let me try that again...Kessel is the one professional athlete I can watch who makes me feel like I'm in shape.

Kessel

2 words: Martin Jones. I'm a Penguins fanatic, but that dude was absolutely phenomenal. Without him, the Pens sweep by a combined score of 912-4.

Any chance E! can send the Kardashians there to find out for sure?

Donald Trump masturbates to an image of Donald Trump masturbating.

Pens in 6. The Penguins are going to keep firing, and there's no way Jones can repeat that performance. Dude was making saves with his armpits and face, for fuck's sake. *resumes drinking* (yes, I'm a Penguins fanatic).

I had to temporarily become dyslexic, but that speech was fucking incredible.

Slap some Velcro on those bad boys and you basically have the shoes my grandfather wore for the last 20 years of his life. RIP Pap.

This is Deadspin. You can actually spell out "fuck". I highly fucking recommend it.

What does this guy have against Joanie from "Happy Days" (and, apparently, her family)? Did Chachi put him up to this?

No, Mark Madden was at the dentist. They were, as usual, closed.

There's a guy like this in my pick-up league. We call him Grog, because he plays defense like a deranged barbarian. He literally sprints straight at you, flailing his arms and grunting. He has no athleticism whatsoever, so he's easy to sidestep, but his arms are roughly the length of a pool skimmer, so... He's…

This show is Citizen Kane compared to Dora the Explorer.

+1

Man, Patton Oswalt was hammered.

Depends on if you can find him.

Thank you for this. I was a fat teenager with braces and a pseudo-mullet in the late 80's/early 90's, and while I wasn't bullied, per se, I was definitely an outsider. I had a Winger shirt, for example, as in Kip Winger's band. Calvin and Hobbes got me through some really dark places. I'm now a married 41 year-old…

Ahhh, Double Dribble...I used to pause the game over and over...my player's black, now he's white, now he's black, now he's white...