Hey if you wanna come over and pay $29.95 to park in my driveway and sit in the evening air, I’ll totally throw in tickets for you and your son. They’ll even be, uh, handmade, artisanal, GMO- and gluten-free tickets!

I dunno - I still think the monkey has it worse.

We would’ve had sharks with laser beams attached to their heads, but they were a budget cut in 2014. Thanks Obama smdh!1!

The AikmanBot 6000 is getting more and more lifelike with each new update! 

Good, good...

Look, if the government won’t think of the children, why the heck should our festive decorations??

And Canada is the bear that ate that monkey.

I often wonder how at least 40% of Deadspin’s blogs don’t have that tag, and how another 50% aren’t first filed to “This is So Stupid”.

Re: option 3... are you talking about the bomb threat, or Alabama in general?

As opposed to our political system, I don’t mind voting third party here:

“Double onions”

Tastebud deterioration also allows us (well, most of us) to enjoy the interplay of sour and bitter flavors way more than juvenile Homo sapiens do.

Cardinals get swept and Trump is dealing with impeachment? Why, the Earth might just be exiting the comet’s tail that it’s been traveling in the past 3 years!

Why whatever are you talking about?

2015, 2015 hmmm...

Tom Ley’s cool aunt understands the commentariat’s need for happy bear, dog, and beardog (see Floyd above) news way more than Tom Ley himself these days.

Toaster over. Toaster oven is the way to go.

Where was this law when I had to brown-bag it with store brand Dwinkees as my dessert? Huh??

Pair your idea with a reinvigorated PE curriculum (way more core muscle building and dodge ball, much less ballroom dance) and our supply of troops for dozens of future conflicts, hot spots, police actions, hell maybe even a full-on war or two, will be almost limitless!

For anyone laughing because “Food 4 Less, really??” Food 4 Less is simply the Kroger Co.’s store brand in the Chicago market. Which “Kroger” is near you?