*Change.org founder Ben Rattray smiles from his San Francisco penthouse as he realizes he's finally achieved his goal of inspiring the most irrelevant petition of all time*

I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest that Katy Perry fans don't hang out on the AV Club.

Well this gives us a big lead on the global ransomware attacks. Apparently they're time-traveling hackers from the summer of 2003. It's worse than we thought.

I see you've played avocado-ey crippling debt-y before!

Hopefully we'll learn more about this when Kellyanne: Covenant hits theaters this week.

♫ Back in the '90s
We had lots of very famous Teeeeeeee-V shows ♫

It's about time we sent Johnny Depp to Belize.

That description of David's lair has piqued my interest. The cavern in Prometheus with the flashes of xenomorph sketches was probably my favorite part of a gorgeous movie (whatever else it may have been) so I'll eat that shit up.

"Excuse me sir, but you have a banana in your ear."
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear."

You fool! Any halfway decent FBI director would've disabled cookies years ago.

And/or the Wendy's bathroom.

[Pensively] What's so River about dale, anyways?

Yeah, I don't know anything about Norm's previous appraisal of his own work but I would expect him to say something like this for both his best and worst specials.

It's only a sample size of two, but the deviation in punk bands that have members with PhDs is pretty staggering. You can listen to most Bad Religion songs and be like "this guy totally has a PhD." You can listen to most Offspring songs and be like "who's this charismatic GED applicant?"

AV Club commenters proudly proclaim their ignorance of much less obscure acts. Combine that with the fact that they have a name that requires zero thought to make fun of, and it's hopeless.

That is pretty insufferable.

All his acting contracts have the heading Allen: Covenant.

Well she'll need the practice with tough crowds if she's gonna do that headlining spot at the Apollo next month.

Are we not Kek?

Trenchant commentary from Chester Bennington, the nu metal singer whose name could also be a chain of family restaurants.