DUDE. Did you just #Benghazi me? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you straight up kidding me right now? Are you just having a good troll or what?

Uhhhh. What difference does what make? What the hell are you talking about? What difference does this comment make, anyway? I PUT WORDS IN MY BOX YAY.

My mom kills me with "Shouldn't you get one size up, to allow for growing?" It made sense when I was 10, sure, but past 20 there is only one direction that I can grow, and it's not up. So she really needs to stop it with this comment.

Unfortunately, my mother chooses a single person to focus her energy on at a time, so when her attention is on me, it's a living hell. But luckily I have three siblings, so I get some time off in between critical examinations. It's like a spa treatment for your brain and self-esteem.

This. My cousins were miracle-workers at my wedding. (Because there is almost no way to spin "God, we should have bound your feet before it was too late" into well-intentioned advice.)

WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE MEN!

Oh, shut up.

It's not a bathroom story, but these remind me of one of my SO's worst restaurant experiences. He was a manager working at a nicer (20-30 an entree) bar/restaurant in a city known for it's older, wealthy population. At a table near the middle if the restaurant was an older man and his plastic, much younger gf, and…

What's worse than cake on the walls? Poop. What's worse than even poop on the walls? Poop in the shape of a swastika. Yes, the Poop Nazi struck many times during my stint at Barnes & Noble. As well as The Vomit Comet and the guy who would flash kids in the Children's Department.

Silly kel, didn't you know that regulation is the enemy of capitalism because reasons?

When I was seven or eight, there was a kid my age at my afterschool daycare who swore up and down that he never pooped. Maybe everybody else did, but NOT HIM, DAMN IT.

Haha! A roommate I had in college and for my first year out of college was a huge pathological liar. It became too much and I had to end the friendship and move out, but here were some of my favorites from her:

Legit 8 inches is pretty large. You watch too much porn.

So, for whatever reason, math has always been the trouble class for my siblings and I. We were always either failing or on the verge of failing. So in junior year of high school my sister is failing math, but she knows that if she tells our mom that she's failing she won't be able to go to her weekend job and see the…

Mom: "Why do you smell like smoke?"

But how will we ever know if Levar Burton and his non-celebrity companion are safe?

Judging from all the defensive and whiny-ass responses, I'd say not all men realize how funny this is.

bless the mess that is the Big E.