I dunno. Carrying your jewelry home in a glass seems pretty “morning after”

If it’s not about you, it’s not about you.

Word search is to crosswords what Wheel of Fortune is to Jeopardy.

Last year I did one of those pay it forward things on the social media and one of the people on my list showed up for lunch two weeks later with a pattern of the sweater he wanted me to make him AND SUGGESTIONS FOR YARNS. I was all, “LOL, bitch. You’re getting a scarf.”

NO I WILL NOT KNIT THIS FOR YOU OR FOR YOUR STUPID KID OR YOUR DUMB DOG. OK, MAYBE YOUR DOG, BUT PROBABLY NOT. ALSO, BEFORE YOU POST ANOTHER PICTURE OF PENGUIN SWEATERS ON MY FB, LOOK AT MY FB AND SEE HOW MANY OTHER PEOPLE HAVE POSTED PENGUIN SWEATERS ON MY FB. FURTHER, I DON’T CROCHET. NO, THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

Hang on. I need to have a conversation about this white belt over leotard thing. The way the cinch in like that. That cant be comfortable and looks like hammered shit!

This makes me so angry. I only wear BR boxers, which is usually great, because my family knows what to get me for Christmas. Last year my Aunt went to the outlet and got me some of the shitty Old Navy dressed up as BR shorts. I pretended to be grateful, but I swear to god I’m giving her a booger this year.

I have to believe that if there really was an all-powerful, all-knowing god, it would do a much better job at picking spokespeople. I mean, I’d like to think that God would look at this guy and be like, “Nope. Obvi batshit.”

I’ve got your back on this. I just had this conversation on Saturday night. I confessed it to a friend and he was like, “OMG GIRL ME TOOOOOOOOO”

note how he’s still strongly shading Father Gabriel

Maybe this will be like one of those things like where your friend breaks up with her boyfriend and you’re all, “OMG girl, you can do sooooooo much better. He’s such a loser. He was never good enough for you... etc., etc., etc.”

They are the lady versions of dudes who believe that The Friendzone is actually a thing. “If I somehow trick him into loving me, everything will be perfect.” Blergh. Kill me.

No. Kylie wins.

There is nothing worse than an overconfident fart.

I’m a colored-pencil guy. Fuck, I love colored pencils.

ASS

Yeah, I’d put it right where his poops come out.

I was hoping for Seth Rogen. Would bang like a screendoor in a windstorm.

I feel like maybe being the klassiest Kardashian is sort of like being the most attractive herpe or the best smelling poop. Like, OK, it may be best in it’s class, but still....