Step 1: Live in a place where it isn’t raining all night.

I spent many of my formulative years in places where eye contact was an invitation to violence. I still struggle with it.

“So many streaming services”

Avast Online Security was messing with Disqus commenting. Disabled it long ago.

ok

Fights break out over who gets the last of my stuffing.

I do my stuffing outside the bird and a fight always breaks out over the last portion.

We had a barely-avoided allergen problem at Early Thanksgiving this year, so I’m open to alternatives. But research indicates that many brands of premade corn nuts are processed in facilities involving other nuts, so they all seem to contain “may contain traces” notices. And I’m not manually frying corn kernels on the…

Sweet babby Jayzuz with a full diaper, making the gravy is gonna take longer than roasting the bird if I take all these tips into account!

I brine my turkey overnight in a cooler. It’s the fridge Tetris for the week prior that gets me.

My trick: add butter BEFORE liquid dairy. The fat coat the starch and keeps it from getting gluey. But I may try this.

Eh, gravy ain’t no thang. Already done one Thanksgiving this year. Bird’s resting, I can take my time. Pour drippings into fat separator, deglaze the roasting pan with white wine, pour that lot into a new pot that’s easier to work with. Build roux with separated fat. Cook for a few. Add non-fat drippings. Add stock if…

I use an electric knife to carve my turkeys. So much easier. I call it “Ash.”

I plan to smuggle miso into as many dishes as I can.

Apparently you have never heard of a “pot lid.” :P

Apparently you have never heard of a “pot lid.” :P

More than one boss considers that a feature and not a bug.

I’ve never met a kid who hated chicken. Plain chicken is the blandest thing out there and kids LOVE bland.

My parents weren’t concerned about internet porn until the media blew up about it in the late 90s. So they had me install Net Nanny software so my sisters wouldn’t “accidentaly” find any (at the cost of blocking legit health sites). Dad liked to “test” it by typing www.(random naughty word).com into a browser, and was…

Things not to do upon landing:

I get that language changes over time. I merely resent the fact that the people who are changing English the most are the people who used to (or maybe still do) get Ds in English.