One would think he’d be smart enough to not do a show where the audience did not consent to specifically see him. If irony were strawberries, said audience would all be drinking smoothies.

Hot Pockets are miniature calzones. You can par-bake a homemade mini-calzone and then freeze.

Fried chicken can be restored with a toaster oven. Let the chicky come to room temperature, than let it spend some time at 400F. 8 minutes for drumstick, 12 minutes for thighs, 14-18m minutes for breasts.

I saw his HBO special. So this guy comes out and starts saying things he clearly thinks are funny, but don’t actually have punchlines. I’m thinking “okay, Dane Cook is late and this guy is just keeping the audience from demanding their money back.” Ten minutes in, I realize that the guy actually IS Dane Cook, Dane…

Apple holds no dominance in my life. I go out of my way to find alternatives.

One thing I have learned is that not everyone who claims to be autistic actually is. Sometimes it’s a convenient excuse for being a bad person. I had a girlfriend who claimed she was autistic and couldn’t read emotions. Yet she still somehow set my entire social circle against each other. Tell me how you do that…

My turkey meatballs involve half a packet of gelatin powder per pound of turkey meat. I wonder if that would work here as well.

Let’s see YOU make a playable game BY YOURSELF in a limited timeframe (first version was made in half a month) that openly parodies bad 90s edutainment games while still having it’s own gameplay style.

Reason #3423565 for me to never play sportsball again.

Frequent shaking of the peel. You get your dough on it, shake. You add sauce, shake. You add toppings? Shake after each one. Bringing it to the oven? Keep shaking.

“I’m not crying! YOU’RE crying!” Same level of believability.

But that means buying a Mac!

I think white guys who wear socks with sandals should be fined. Socks with Crocs should be an arrestable offense. ;)

I first saw this news on Facebook. The comment thread was FILLED with vegans who wanted everyone to get bit by this tick. Some were even proposing breeding the tick specifically to cause more bites.

It’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

It’d be nice if it were searchable... I don’t want to browse through years of posts to find a particular chain.

My mom STILL gets pissed if I don’t text her back IMMEDIATELY. I remember back before I got a smartphone, she repeatedly texted me on my dumbphone, which was so backwards that I had to manually open each text (and sacrifice any reply in progress). She’d be using speech-to-text (at that point, just call!) and became…

What were they expecting? Reddit is a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Dang, the Rickroll number is no longer in service.

Only one creative load to blow. You’ll notice the band Boston didn’t have a lot of chart-toppers after their first album.