I feel like this region’s a lot weaker than yesterday’s. Although I’m glad to see General Booty’s doing well.

Listen, I was 9 when the Tim Burton Batman came out too, but I try not to let it back me into bonkers takes like “Jack Nicolson was a better Joker than Heath Ledger.”

Pope Thrower is this years auburn. You don’t want to run into him until you absolutely have to

sir, it hit him directly in the penis. Lower third, center. The effect to the balls may have been peripheral, but at 91 mph, I have to imagine they very nearly fell off. 

Umpire Tosses Dick Who Argued Balls And Strikes; Tossed Ball Strikes Umpire’s Dick And Balls

Nah, I bet these kids were raised by kangaroos, who are famously shitty animals.

Those girls are gonna get The Boot:

Australia is the Florida of the world. Someone or something is always trying to kill you.

They’re 9..... Just pick’em up off the car and toss’em into a pond, or a bush. It’s Australia, that would totally fly. The children are the descendants of convicts, let the wildlife of Australia have them. Drop’em in a ponder or river, Salt Water Crocs and bull sharks baby. The bush? Well, get ready for a Brown or…

“After the two girls got into a fight about cigarettes and abused an elderly lady.”

Don’t these people know better than to get on a bus with Keanu Reeves? 

When I was little, I would rub a small amount of toothpaste on my tongue to beat the breath smell test, and it worked. There were layers and thought put into the lie.

I swear to god, my daughter and I got into an argument about the Ninja Turtles.
Me: eat your pizza. The Ninja Turtles love pizza.
Kid: No. They eat flies.
Me: haha...No. They eat pizza. It’s they’re favorite.
Kid: No, daddy. They’re turtles they eat flies. (note: the fuck?)
Me: *gets phone* *Googles Ninja Turtles+Pizza*…

A person’s reach shouldn’t exceed their grasp, because what am I, some kind of show-off?

Gary Oldman looks nothing like Winston Churchill. Wore fat suit and heavy makeup. Won Oscar.

You win for worst take of the day. Granted it’s only 8am where I am and I’ve yet to read much else but damn. Bad take. 

I’m sorry... what? I’ll grant you she did a bunch of depressed mid-century housewives in a row, but that’s not all she did... Boogie Nights, The Big Lebowski, Still Alice, 30 Rock, hell, she was the villian in the Kingsman sequel.

I think that, because her work is intensely vaginal, it makes you uncomfortable.

Pretty sure it would be the food doing the asshole ripping in that scenario.

indulging in something silly and lighthearted?