This team really is committed to illegally getting stuff released from their balls.

When media rights deals kept skyrocketing and every team had their own regional sports network this was probably inevitable. Owners are guaranteed hundreds of millions of dollars before a pitch is ever thrown. Their desire to not spend that money is far greater than their desire to win, if they even had that desire to…

“Win” is doing way more work in that sentence than Grape Ape Ben has ever done. He has the same number of Super Bowl TD passes as Antwaan Randle-El. 

I can't wait for the day when we find out the Internet is just a giant set of MadLibs for our alien overlords. I feel like this article brings us one step closer.

Exactly

Also, anyone who watched a Traci Lords movie.

I honestly don’t know. I figure as long as he goes on the radio and constantly calls his (far more talented, black) teammates lazy and blames them he’ll be golden in the Yinzer Mind.

#4 is for that and anything else shitty he’s done.

“?????” is just a choose your own adventure to go down that road.

It’s not not “be credibly accused of sexual assault multiple times”! 

The Big Ben 5 Steps of Leadership:

I’m looking forward to finding out what war metaphor can be used when locking Craig James’ pissbaby of a son in a closet.

Trevor Bauer is a perfect case study for why we need to teach children the difference between sarcasm and sincerity because I guarantee you almost everyone in his life has sarcastically told this pissant he was smart, and Bauer thought they were sincere compliments and now believes he’s a fucking genius.  

Because it’s inevitable that I’m going to fall down a well, at which point our dog will be the only person/thing that can go get help.

You’re not wrong. To steal a quote from “Scrubs”, babies are just dogs that slowly learn to talk.

I like it. A tip o‘ the hat to you.

You wouldn't need a missile that big. An RPG would be plenty.

I would expect nothing less.

Right after entering the museum chanting "hi-how-are-ya, hi-how-are-ya"

I was worried this would be the case, so I didn’t even check.