“It seems like Williams was utterly unable to carry out his job by doing anything other than making plans and sticking with them, unique circumstances be damned”

In his best Phil Hartman deadpan impression no less...

I held kicks in high school. One day while practicing PATs, our kicker booted the ball as hard as he could, just to see how far it would go. He didn’t aim well, and the ball went straight - not straight up, but straight from the tee. The first object between it and eternity was the bent-over ass of our long snapper.…

Texas HS football players have enlisted special teams in their war against the refs.

It takes a very special sort of douchebag to make Bryce Harper look like a decent human being.

This dude looks like Jim Carrey and John Gruden had a retarded baby

“ Some teams are playing against good defenses, while others are playing against the Bears. “

Roethlisberger: “Are we going for two?”

Yes

It either seems like Manziel is a detestable fucking prick or the Browns are bumbling fucks.

Not to get all Joe Dirt about it, but some fireworks would have that fucker packing post haste.

/obligatory

Tom Brady: Even Bigger Piece of Shit Than Anyone Suspected

You eat the lunch your wife packed at like 10 a.m. then still go get your burrito. Or eat the burrito and throw the lunch away and never mention it. But you don’t, under any circumstances, risk fucking that situation up, you moron.

Where does he fit into the battles of Day Man and Night Man?

I love how the announcers dance around the idea that he has a concussion. Any other injury they would immediately speculate “oh, that looks like a torn ACL” or “that could be a broken ankle Bob”, but a guy takes a hit to the head and is stumbling around like a drunk at 3 am on Bourbon Street? Well that’s just…

Thank you - and I mean this sincerely and in the best possible way - for wasting a tremendous, tremendous amount of my time.

Yeah, it’s 510-300-xxx, but I’m guessing it won’t work because I am in the hills in a place with very bad service, but please feel free to try!

Fucking highlight truthers.