And are you ready for a commander-in-chief who will respect our troops and will never leave any of ‘em behind?

A little tiny bit of brutality, in the grand scheme of things really is not that big of a deal, but you guys will appreciate it because you’re from Iowa!

In certain cultures that are such fabulous phrases, words, sayings, and such that really, really nail dumb ass people. In my family’s culture, for example, the women in particular have a way of saying very deep, cutting, burning, things with very few words. Unlike me. Anyone, in honor of all the smart, talented, and…

Your comment reminds me of something I do at any bar association events. Any time I get a compliment, I say “no, I’m not (insert good adjective here), but (insert either name of partner or the firm of the person I am talking to) is definitely known for (being that aforementioned good adjective). Then I take a long…

Let’s be real, I doubt she reads the transcript, ‘cos readin’s for pansy-ass libruls! But otherwise I totally agree.

I’m a litigator. Sometimes I’ll do oral argument before the Court and think, “shit, that felt like rambling. I bet I sounded so dumb. I must do better next time.” And then I get the transcript back and I’ve spoken eloquently throughout it. Comparatively, I imagine Palin is like “nailed it” after a speech and then…

PLEASE PICK SARAH AS YOUR RUNNING MATE DONALD!!!!!

I really hope they take it the way it’s meant and don’t take the dudes side.

Analog dick pics! OMG

“The Tina Belcher reluctant murmur of bangs” is a phrase I now treasure above all others. Though Tina herself, it must be said, has some pretty great bangs.

• Literally no one cares what Bristol Palin the entire Palin Family tree thinks about the Oscars anything.
  

Even making that joke is a really crap thing to do. Congrats on being “that guy”.

She killed my Brother in a knife fight in Saigon, back in ‘73 and on that day I swore revenge. Now, 43 years later, my opportunity is here and bitchy internet comments are my weapon of choice.

I know, right? I made a joke in 1985 once that you never want to be lost near any street named after Martin Luther King (because I actually did get lost on MLK drive in Chicago), and years later, I heard Chris Rock tell the same joke! He effing owes me!

Heyyyyy. How do you know I didn’t say it before him? I’m older than he is by a bit! (Seriously, though, I had to google him; I didn’t even know who he was. This is my point!)

Wow that's a very specific (and very good) joke! Our brains are all connected. It's almost like we belong to a community of humans in a shared culture or something.

In college, during a particularly sad dry spell I made some joke about having to put twigs and leaves over my vagina in the hopes that I could trick someone into falling in. A few years later, I see Margaret Cho doing the exact same joke. Clearly, Cho didn’t steal the joke from me. I’m not making a definite judgment…

There are no new jokes, only new audiences. (I didn’t make this up.)

Is this sarcasm? Or do you sit around waiting for famous people to be torn down? Or do you have a beef with Amy Schumer? Genuinely curious.

Oh I realize it’s a completely true story. I just loved the way you wrote it and the dry ending you gave it.