I like to wear red and green at Christmas!

That Pippa lifestyle twitter account was the best!

Why does Jenna like the SL annual white cake in December? Because it’s cake and it’s also white.

Jenna Bush is bad on Today but I am more offended by her roving editor (or whateverthefuck) “columns” in Southern Living. Southern Living is like my Bible, and when Jenna says shit like, “I like to wear shorts in summer because it’s hot,” I want to commit murder.

“Pre-beating Vicodin.”

Is that the hand you masturbate with?

This is why I love pre-flight nachos. The weight gain.

I once played a game of Hearts with Mahut during a rain delay in our local ATP tourney. Isner was not there. It was a quick game. Also I really suck at Hearts.

The regular ATP/WTA season goes all damn year. It’s brutal.

I thought meth was the biggest problem facing Kentucky. But I was wrong. It’s frosted lipstick.

I flew home from Munich in March with a bad cold so I did a semi-legit version of Purple Drank. It was not a bad flight.

Exactly. I’m boning a feminist guy who voted for Hillary.

Sex is my favorite stress reliever. I’ll give you my sex when you take it away from my cold, dead vagina.

“I’ve been dragged off a plane by my armpits before. I knew this was possible when I bought my ticket. So I’m fine with this!”

I always have Ativan in my purse when I fly because flying is awful. But I need to up my drug game. Valium with a Xanax chaser?

I love his self awareness. “Yeah, these copters are not here for me.”

Holy shit. “So you can be yourself...only whiter.” So sad/gross.

Yeah, I’m not saying there aren’t moms who feel this way. I don’t think there is a PO Box or email address accepting “Ask the Matriarchy” submissions.

Yeah, I’m not under any illusion this was written by an actual mother.

You know why my daughter gets amazing grades? I only dress her in neutral colors. If she would go full grayscale, she could be valedictorian but I pick my battles.