Now I’m envisioning an undercover activist wearing a tear-off outfit taking the job and then halfway through the event, when the line is longest, tearing off her clothes and screaming LOOK AT MY PIERCED CLITORIS YOU GUN-TOTING MONSTERS and then Zoidberging out of there.

September/October 2007 I was in a private room at a restaurant with Jay Z and he was definitely there waiting for a woman that wasn’t Beyonce, and they left together but made lots of efforts to not look like they were leaving together.

If I had the time, I’d spend 4-5 hours on my nails every week. That seems pretty low to me actually.

In the mid 80s a college professor told me a (possibly apocryphal) story about a male student who wrote an essay arguing that women were inherently less rigorous writers- using George Eliot’s work as an example of the epitome of said rigorous male writing that no woman could match.

I also can't name a single female writer that inspires me. I can't name a male writer who inspires we either. I am a sentient hunk of cheese that someone plugged directly into the Internet. I am inspired by mold and bacteria.

I need to know how Fabio thinks what he does is any different from what Kim Kardashian does.

Thanks! This is probably a more accurate representation of me though.

Darling, who has since moved to Florida

Pop ‘em in the “oven” and blake at 98.6º for 9 months

They say that like it’s a bad thing?

So even Kanye uses The Pirate’s Bay. I guess you could say...

“I do love you, but like a contestant.”

I feel weirdly vindicated in my illogical hatred of Sam Smith. I can’t stand his songs and I find his face punchable. I know violence is extreme and I’d never actually do it but every time I see him.... I get irrational rage.

Leo losing will be my only Monday morning joy.

Of you are terrible than I am terrible. The reaction will be gold and think of all the memes. I realize I’m a horrible human being and I think I’m okay with it

My favorite Adele story (I have no idea if this is true) is that on the day she went in to the label office to talk about their offer, or the day she went in to sign, she walked into the room, looked around, cig in mouth, and said, “Yeh, this’ll do.”

I like her blonde actually.

This is so silly. No one would ever buy this because Ted Cruz is a really likable guy!