I thought Johnny Cash. Which would be weird on account of him being dead. But who am I to judge?

My thought: “Evan Rachel wood is most certainly not dating Johnny Cash”

What’s that? I blacked out after this part: If the Kardashians were your in-laws

“Your penis is still offensive,” another officer informs him. Relatable.

Bakuna Fatata means no IKEA for the rest of your days.

“Sons being interchangeable” made me think of this, and now I can’t stop imagining Trump as Mom. D:

I love a doctor with a fatalistic approach to health care. “If he dies, he dies! What do you want me to do about it?”

private Italian lessons from women he found through Craigslist postings is such a long euphemism

“the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency”

JFC all this breaking up/making up shit on social media is tacky as hell.

Counterpoint: 24K Magic is good.

“How many times do I have to fight goddamn Nazi’s.”

Like I know stealing is wrong but their is something about the title of “jewel thief” that’s just so badass.

since he cant sell burgers at his restaurant and can’t sell his steaks at sharper image, he has to take his beef to twitter.

I saw that pic and thought sea world was gonna start selling nugs. Disappointed.