Welp, safe to say that guy hit the jackpot. Or something.

The only fact you needed to prove your point is that whatever gun(s) were used in recent mass shootings saw massive spikes in sales from the Real Americans™ who were afraid Obama would ban them. Go, ‘Murica!

I guess that explains why when I turn on the television part of me is slightly out of sorts if I’m not being told about the latest mass shooting. Its become so ingrained in our society. How depressing.

Get a goddamn haircut, Pem.

I just played this video with Drake’s Hotline Bling in the background and it was goddamn magical.

As a Vikings fan, I always thought my team was the most snake-bitten in the NFL. I will never see them win a superbowl in my lifetime, but good god, at least I’m not a Browns fan.

It’s kind of fun when you can pinpoint the play that results in a head coach’s firing. So long, Pettine. Weird-ass bald guy.

Oh, so the driver that killed and injured the innocent people minding their own business should probably go kill himself. Nice knowing you, please kill yourself for the good of the human race. Sorry your car didn’t make you cooler.

It can’t be a coincidence that she deflowered a Jonas and then set her sights on another high-profile virgin. Either she enjoys a good challenge or she has a thing for terrible, terrible sex. Just a theory.

*AgentRockstar in his natural environment

I really don’t understand black friday shoppers. I will gladly pay full retail price to avoid massive crowds of morons.

Hey now, he got “won’t” right, that’s worth something.

…and any commercial where a doorbell rings, causing your dog(s) to go crazy thus destroying a once peaceful evening.

I also found Spotify particularly woeful when it came to discovering new music. If you weren’t sure what you were looking for, good luck. Rdio was a bit better, but it looks like I’m going back to Spotify.

Given the jacket and logo I can only assume this is a joint project between Bezos and Dov Charney.

Screw the drones, I want my Amazon orders delivered by this thing.

So that Jay-Cutler face Rodgers makes every time one of his receivers drops a pass is actually aimed at Olivia. Goddamn it, Olivia!

This photo is the embodiment of why I will never give a shit about soccer.

I’m really at a loss how either the Rams or Eagles thought their little quarterback swap would turn out any differently or more poetic than it did. I mean, c’mon.