The 3 year old boy I babysit is really struggling to pronounce my name (sho is tough, even my own brother couldn’t say it right at that age—though he did have a bit of a speech impediment. He would call spiders, pider). I told him he could give me a cool nickname if that was easier... His top choice: “poo poo master”

My best friend’s younger brother acted like such a little old man when he was a kid we called him G-Pop. When G-Pop was 13 or so, he got struck in the head by a ball at a church softball game and had to be airlifted to a hospital. When we visited him there, we noticed the ID label on something — his wristband, his IV…

These people would be so pissed when they gave me $29,000 and I named their baby Sarah.

Even literally naming the child Grandpa is a better idea.

Dibsy on Victrola Snarfingtop

I saw we start a niche company for $29,000 name your baby AND provide personalized items so you can proudly display this awesome name we choose.

Dude, wtf. These are my children’s names. Two girls and a boy. Aubergine Audrey is seven, Boy-Samantha Stephen is five and Gary Anne is 23 months old. They have beautiful names and I don’t appreciate the mocking.

$29,000? What a ripoff. For only $28,000, I’ll name your baby. I’m also a certified Name Rater, which is a very exclusive designation. Here’s my card:

The woman who survived, Sandra Sapaugh, jumped out of his car on the highway while he was driving 70 miles per hour.

Back in 1996, I worked for Express for exactly 2.5 hours— long enough to go through the training and be told at the end that I was receiving a one-time 40% discount so that I could purchase my “work clothes.” They wanted all employees to be outfitted in current, non-clearance-rack merch from in-store. I said, “Thanks,…

Everything.

Oh look, dudes ruining higher education for everyone else again

I have a few of those little hairs that sprout up by both nips. One time I was in a hurry and decided to just shave ‘em off quick in the shower rather than pluck. Well, the razor slipped and I ended up with a decent cut on my boob. Later that night when I was changing my bf asked why I had a band-aid on my boob, and I…

I’m not exaggerating when I say that I would divorce my husband for Oscar Isaac. I have it that bad for him. What a fucking BABE.

So, Y. A very big Y in the most creepiest of ways.

I rip off a piece of the box and say, “Get me more of these.” He can’t get my takeout order right a lot of the time, but he always comes back with the correct feminine hygiene products.

Edited to add: Oh, one time Target was out of my brand so he called from the aisle to ask if “super absorbency” and “ultra absorbency”…

I have little faith that my boyfriend would actually get me the correct tampons I use (green o.b.s, only green o.b.s NO MULTIPACKS), but I know he would at least do it and maybe get close.

Few things make me roll my eyes harder than guys who are almost theatrically grossed out by female bodily functions. I once mentioned to a guy friend that I wasn’t feeling well and he asked me what the matter was, so I said I had cramps, and he was all ‘TMI! TMI!’.
Dude. Dude. You asked me what was wrong. I am sorry…

I think the term “Aunt Flo” is hilarious only because I actually had an Aunt Flo. She was my grandma’s sister. So the term “Aunt Flo” didn’t mean much to me for a long time because dude, she’s just the lady who looks like a darker haired version of Grandma and what’s so hush-hush about that?

I love talking about my poop. I have a very regular and healthy poop schedule and I’m quite proud of it. My husband on the other hand HATES when I talk about pooping, which just makes me want to talk about it more.

I did see somewhere the line ‘Minogue has owned the domain Kylie.com since 1996. A year before Jenner was born.’ Which is such a beautiful slapdown.