Brady’s head has gotten inexplicably SMALLER since his rookie season. I think I’m going to start one of those rumors like with Avril Lavigne that he’s been replaced by a clone but it’ll be more feasible because they can totally clone dogs.

Children aren’t good for anything. Adults who are better at what they do, and who can do more to help you win games more than all but maybe a dozen people on earth, get that kind of leeway. Welcome to the real world. 

“How I can tell you’ve never managed adults before.”

More confidence than you’ll get from waxing the dolphin.

At least viewers were able to see what a Home Depot ad looks like over utter blackness. The terror.

What makes this the most hilarious is that the Raiders acquired one of the best receivers in the NFL, a guy who has a legitimate chance at the Hall of Fame, for a third and a fifth round pick and somehow lost the trade.

Tonight, there are no bad takes.

And the only thing that can prevent another Patriots Super Bowl victory? This man:

I can’t believe a sports league exists where there are basically 20+ incompetently-run franchises and 1 that feasts on them all.

BRB, going through every article written about AB over the last two months and faving all the Steelers fans’ smug comments.

Huh. It’s almost like well-run organizations have no issuebringing in “problem” players... Maybe I could draw some conclusions about how shitty organizations are structurally incapable of handling these same players!

PUT IT INTO MY VEINS

Taking the Army to multiple overtimes is a fun tribute to the war in Afghanistan

“which is several motherfucking astronomical units away”

You’re right. They shouldn’t take any kind of stand until there’s a gun at their head.

I’m gonna get exposed to a flyover tonight and be asked to stand for the National Anthem even though I’m just there to watch a football game.

Maybe they are offering him 400,000 bucks? I hear live deer can be worth several thousand dollars apiece.

And that retirement’s name? Albert Einstein.

I want to live in the world where Carli Lloyd, in uniform, takes a knee during the anthem of a Colts-Falcons game, and a stadium full of 60,000 NFL fans suffer simultaneous brain aneurysms.

Football is the perfect sport for America because it’s manufactured tribalism that allows us to blather a lot of meaningless nonsense about fake combat none of the fans have any actual involvement with, while scrupulously hiding all the real-world consequences and in the process making a handful of billionaire…