I am new around here please throw rocks at my body.

No mention of:

First Energy Stadium is an altar to the old gods. We summon them today with another perfectly hideous performance. Do not stand in our way, blogger.

this is actually great for me because i can’t get off unless i turn my television up to max volume while buster olney is talking about structural damage to the throwing bone

He may have installed an awesome skate park inside St. Peter’s. He may walk around with a VR helmet on his head while wearing a futuristic jumpsuit. He may sometimes try to balance a big old priceless crucifix crafted by some long-dead artisan on top of a hover board so it can scoot down a hallway and spook some nuns.…

damn that was actually pretty good irish sorry that man gave you grief gosh

small businesses around america say they need help to survive in an increasingly hostile business environment, but let me ask my small business owner friends this: why haven’t you injected your employees with steroids and forced them to battle each other on top of ladders while wearing thongs?

The only food I eat is sauce. Fill the bathtub with loose liquid food and give me a ladle. I am in heaven with my loose nutrients. Warm cold doesn’t matter. I will slurp the sauce and gurgle like a good boy. All my plates are bowls.

Please attend this Saturday’s game against the Scranton Leafclowns. The first 10,000 fans to arrive at the stadium with be branded with a white hot cross and put to the question by the Grand Inquisitor.

One day I was providing my manager with a business orgasm by showing him a simple pivot chart in Excel. The next day, I was in charge of the Philadelphia 76ers.

Oh I have such a shame. I allowed a genetically altered bin of NOXplode to bite an Abercrombie & Fitch cable knit sweater and now we have this apple smashing creature to deal with. I am so sorry.

I became colorblind from listening to the Counting Crows’ “Colorblind” on repeat for one month straight and I find this blog offensive.

I have a female cat and sometimes Jon Hamm will prowl around on my porch yowling and making all sorts of noise. I generally have to go out on the porch with a broom to get his to scoot. Jon Hamm really wants to fuck my cat is my point.

slowly digested inside woody allen’s clammy mouth like a werther’s original that sits unchewed between his gums and the soggy flap of his cheek until it is broken down by the mild chemical reaction caused by his saliva

Under my patented system, you’ll either become a title contender that falls apart when it matters most, or your legs will detach from your body and fly into low earth orbit on powerful jets of blood. If you put the effort in, your stomach will crawl out of your body and hunt pigeons while you train so you don’t have…

He who moves through the comment section as many and as one. The brand king sees all.

it will be implied that dafoe is fucking the panther

if they want me to fucking tune in and watch football they had better fucking hire lars von trier to make a 30 minute ad spot of Willem Dafoe weeping oil black tears while dissecting a panther and wearing a Pope outfit and in the background the entire Dave Matthews Band is shackled to a wall and being sprayed with…

My testicles are vibrating with boundless energy for I am deeply excited to see Jerrum Gwelfph do good passes with his friends.

were gonna do it like this, see...