Dude, the world is so, so far from ending. Maybe like..Relax a bit. That bottle they gave you labeled “Lorazepam?” Take two. In fact, fuck that. Crush one up and snort it, then take the other with a double shot of whiskey.

It doesn’t even make sense in context - it references a cuckolding, which.. How? He’d have to be calling them cowards, but how so then? For not endorsing some nutty little 16 year old Swede?

rrpete with another intelligently composed Splinter post, claiming that people should absolutely just follow the word of the Swedish prophet rather than think for themselves. After all, what do we know?

There’s no way that girl is 16, unless Sweden is somehow breeding people to look younger. Also, maybe people don’t listen to her..Because she’s fucking 16.

2/13/2020 8:45am Splinter Headline: Maybe like, don’t vote. Whatever.

The whole “spend 8 hours on your feet” argument is and has always been bunk. No place that requires you to stand for multiple hours consecutively has a requirement on type of footwear except that it be able to grab traction to help prevent slipping. Many moons ago I worked 8 hours shifts at Best Buy getting my…

I will take the extra calories and carbs from McDonald’s or any fast food joint, and the associated shit that comes after, over any airline food - I don’t care if my doctor told me I had a 15% chance of death if I chose the McDonald’s, I’d still take it. You know when I’d eat airline food? If I was in prison. And even…

If Bernie isn’t around, Warren is 100% Splinter’s favorite “anointed one.” Throw Bernie in to the equation though, and Splinter will take any opportunity to snub her - their true hope is for a Bernie/Warren ticket, though I feel like if that became reality I’d have to reinforce my windows because the shrieks of rage…

According to Splinter, if one of his few errant hairs off the top of his head travels the jet stream and lands anywhere something good is happening, Bernie gets half the credit.

I’m pretty sure they always tell you “Don’t eat the worm,” yes?

A better question would be, “Bernie doesn’t even pay his own staff $15 an hour, isn’t it a bit rich that he’s off demanding other people get it?”

“I’m prepared to walk off the job” says woman who will feel incredibly stupid when she finds out nobody else is going to pay her any more for stacking bags of pretzels and shrink wrapping T.V. dinners.

Yes I’m sure all those neighbors will be around. All day. I’m sure their jobs will fully understand their choice not to attend work for their misguided crusade. Meanwhile, the ICE agents are going to be getting paid to just camp out.

In other news: Splinter now claims ICE has “Deported any and all journalists of quality.” Asks anyone still listening to check out their janky website for evidence.

When asked about what ICE’s next steps would be, an ICE spokesperson responded: We’re just going to come back tomorrow, you stupid fucks.

“If we keep screaming about a recession we’ll have to be right about it EVENTUALLY!”

Truth and Reconciliation of WHAT? Saying something that might be interpreted as offensive?

“state news?” What kind of meth have you been smoking?

It’s probably because you all have spent the past 15 years screaming about how even the most innocuous statements or criticisms are racist.

People have been kicking and screaming that the recession is nigh for the past two years, yet somehow it just never seems to come..