"Loser princess has to beg an old man for help. Sad!"

I'm pretty sure that every day for the last thirty years, Donald Trump has woken up, looked in the mirror and said "Draw more attention to yourself."

It helped that she was high as fuck for the entire special.

I'll be in Mexico during the inauguration. On the one hand, I'm glad to not be here when it happens, but on the other, I'll be returning to a country that's just that little bit worse than the one I left.

Whenever I think about CPR, I'm reminded of a first aid class I had to take for work. The guy leading it started off by telling us, "In my career, I've performed CPR five times. So far, I have a perfect record. They've all died. If you have an emergency situation and have to perform CPR, there is a very good chance…

C'mon, it's not like she can turn back time.

And a mother outliving her daughter is just so damn tragic.

It seems that we've dated some of the same people.

I'd certainly be willing to put up with a lot in return for lots of sex. None of my crazy ex-girlfriends ever took away my free speech or invaded anyplace, but those are almost the only terrible things they haven't done.

Or girls, in R. Kelly's case.

Pac-man is one of the only games dolphins could ever learn to play, since all it requires is joystick manipulation. Lacking hands makes a lot games difficult if not impossible.

So, the same reason the general population won't revolt?

Well, there's a large chunk that will just be dicks to any poor person regardless of ethnicity.

I see that her name is Tyshika. That tells me that people online are probably about forty percent ruder than if her name was Madison or Taylor.

He was always happy to give of himself to strangers.

A one time donation is nice, but it would be better if their income had an even flow.

I don't know about that. It shouldn't be too hard to edit it in such a way that they look like total losers all the time. Supposedly, the Superman radio show did serious damage to the Klan back in the forties because once people heard all their silly titles and ceremonies and the code words they used, nobody could…

The KKKardashians? That's the Armenian-only branch of the Klan, right?

Well, they must exist. There's no reason that racism has to go along with all the other Republican beliefs. I mean, there was a really strong racist strain of Progressivism around the turn of the twentieth century. That's gotta still be a thing, at least a little bit, right?

I'm considering writing letters to the handful of (somewhat) principled Republicans I know of begging them to challenge Trump in the 2020 primaries. Something like, "Dear Rand Paul, I'm a lifelong Democrat, and I'm not promising I'd vote for you in the general election, but I'd definitely consider it, and I'd probably…