These are batting-cage-free chickens.

why yes we do

That’s not sarcasm. It’s acting dumb on purpose.

Remember when Jordan missed that 3-pointer in 1992? God he sucked.

“Sir, we signed a mobile QB from a Texas based school who won the Heisman.”

The mustache.

I have never considered making a slow motion, sepia toned video of me crossing over a fat kid before. Now I know that my life is incomplete without one.

Whoever has FanDuel and DraftKings’ in-house attorneys on their fantasy lawyer teams is cleaning up right now.

Seems like an unfair advantage, given that Chimera had three heads.

That’s one way to inject some fun back into Spring Training...

Thanks for dropping by, Bill.

This is like a bank asking for a bailout after all their executives mishandled millions in other peoples’ money. Like that would ever happen!

lol’d
+1 case of the meat sweats

[requests trade to Mets]

Much like Kobe’s teammates, she never had a shot.

What about the Sword of a Thousand Truths?

This is the Twitter equivalent of hitting a hard 18 in Blackjack, pulling a 3, and then telling everyone else at the table it was statistically the right move because you got 21.

that’s the most millenial hipster shit i have ever heard

I’m confused by how young professional athletes are now

Wouldn’t the mature thing be to meet up for a fight somewhere?