I never saw this before today:

The last time Trump was excited about carrying something 4.5 feet tall and 60 pounds, Ivanka was 9

It’s not just them, Gen-X got fucked too; I still have six-figure debt decades out, from a state school, in significant part because during my entire course of study, I was prevented from accessing Pell grants because of my “rich” family.

When our infant had a cold and was having trouble breathing our Pediatrician told us to let him sleep in a car seat. It helps with the draining.

have you ever been to a rock show in modern times? people want to hear the hits, not something off the new album

Ooh you are so cool that you don’t have one hour a week a few weeks out of the year to do literally anything. 

He looks like he has fetal alcohol syndrome, in addition to his parents being half-siblings. 

You ever dance with the devil by the pale Twilight?

Studying math at MIT?

“11-3 with a 0.28 ERA”

Buddy looks like allergic reaction David Schwimmer.

I’ll tell you the same thing I tell my toddler when she sings that song.

No, no. You’re just mistaken.

Yeah, I’d definitely rather focus on the fact that she shared, like, a thing implying that grieving parents’ pain was false then the fact that she’s not the best voice actor.

I wonder how nervous he was that Omarosa would just show up and record a bunch of conversations but he wouldn’t be able to pick her out of the crowd. 

Kim Mulkey’s grimace at the sight of a fast food spread for the Baylor Women’s Basketball team’s visit to the White House is worth a thousand words.