*Hipster voice*: “You probably haven’t been using the right beans. I only masturbate using small batch organic single origin from Nicaragua, there’s no point otherwise.”

I’d ban them for making terrible coffee.

Lots of folks getting the shaft in this deal.  

I’ve banned coffee from my masturbatory practices for years.

There is nothing sadder than seeing a family out to dinner with Mom and Dad typing away at work emails, teenage Sally updating her Instagram feed, and little Tommy “Attention Deficit Disorder...let’s go ride our bikes” watching some YouTube video posted by some creepy guy of himself playing GTA V as Spider Man (https:/…

[“...her prepubescent hands stained with sauce, lumps of ground beef spilling out of the bun, it was enough to break me from my meatless spell. I wanted one.”]

I guess THE AV CLUB! DOESN’T! LISTEN!

CancerAIDS: Respect its potential.

The correct answer is John Goodman as (I almost can’t believe I’m not saying Walter Sobchak here, but) Charlie Meadows in Barton Fink. An absolutely towering performance.

Sy Ableman. He’s a serious man.

Danny Devito should be Detective Pikachu instead.

Booo, Danny Devito should be in Detective Pikachu instead.

“from the imagination of Tim Burton” stopped being a selling point 20 years ago

Did they also check her for crabs?

I’d expect that kind of behavior at the Olive Garden, but not there!

The lobsters are red because they are embarrassed to be in a Red Lobster.

the fashionable notion that van Gogh experienced xanthopsia (a yellow bias in the field of vision)

Next thing you know, they’ll have Dafoe play Jesus.

Julian Schnabel has always been meh, and is especially insufferable when being interviewed.