you know something? you fucking suck. i hope Luis Suarez bites your dick off.

You missed one:

I used to load the hot dog gun at Citizens Bank Park from time to time, it was always a riot. The Phanatic liked to see how far he could shoot the hot dogs into the upper deck, always trying to literally shoot it out of the park (he succeeded once, that I know of, by getting very close to the right field wall and…

Please tell me someone else is bothered by this:

He's been the Andy Reid of the USMNT. When it gets late in the game he loses all awareness of the clock and what he should be doing with it.

Bradley has not been our best player. He looked lost against Ghana. They repeatedly blew by him like he was standing still. He looked like somebody's kid brother they had to let play to make it even teams.

He was still bad against Portugal, repeatedly getting dispossessed, missing a WIDE OPEN NET by kicking it at the…

It's a fuzzy line. Sports secrets may seem harmless, but Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were executed for revealing the details of the Patriots' spy program.

Headline: "76ers concerned about Joel Embiid's medical history, but not as concerned as they are about the Holocaust".

"(In the game of toilet thrones, you win or you die.)"

The followup to this article will be titled "Why Ruben Amaro Jr. Might Be Worth More Than A Half-Eaten Egg McMuffin Found In An Alley, But Probably Not."

Oh God, I'm so glad you asked.

With all due respect, Tom, I think we can all agree that the best inning a pitcher can have is when his first pitch sails into the stands and kills Mike Lupica.

In Philly, this is called "The Cliff Lee Effect."

Bless you, Barry. Finally a story I'm not embarrassed to explain to my 7-year-old.

This post could not have come at a better time. I was just beginning to feel good about my physical appearance. Welcome back, crushing self-doubt!

Don't expect to see a Jezebel post for the next 90 minutes.

Fairfax Lions Pssssssssssh. Them boys soft, how many rings you got?

For the record, the Fairfax Lions 5th grade team (made up of a bunch of nobodies) took the PG Jaguars down to the wire and only lost by 5 at the old Run N Shoot Gym in District Heights, MD. Just throwing that out there. Rumor has it that #34 Nate Worek nearly made KD35 fall after a nasty crossover to the hoop.

every beasley story is the best beasley story