Closing ceremonies are bullshit. If I was in charge I’d just turn the power off, then tell everyone to piss off and find their own way home. Thanks for the debt and bad press dickheads

Isn’t the entire paragraph the punchline?

Remember when the deadspin comments where full of “why would anyone made up a story like that?” And “that’s the corrupt police covering up for their dirty cops” and “that’s just third world country bs”? Good times!!

The only people that come out of this looking bad are Jack Conger and Gunnar Bentz, who’s obvious lies tarnished the reputation of an American hero. And now that hero, who was made to cry by hard hitting journalist Matt Lauer, is modifying his own story in order to protect their reputations! Is there no justice in the…

I feel like a person whose introduction to porn was their rapist abductor kind of doesn't have the most level starting point for a conversation about the subject. But maybe that's just me.

Phil Simms is a boil on the ass of humanity that will never be healed. It just keep oozing more pus and blood with every squeeze.

Football is a team sport. When one of you gets charged, you all get charged. There is no “I” in felony.

I imagine the store owner has another Rashomon version of this: four drunken rowdy tourists show up at your gas station at dawn and demand to use your bathroom. You try, through the language barrier, to explain it is for customers only. They walk outside, piss on your building, then one them starts yanking things off…

Lochte tore up a gas station and somehow *he* is the victim? GTFO. Getting a gun pulled on you for something like that isn’t just a third world thing. Try that at an inner-city convenience store here in the US. Lochte’s lucky he didn’t get shot.

I guarantee you that's probably happened, the hooligans probably kept their mouths shut though.

MOOOOMM!!! MOOOMMMMM!! MOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
GET DOWN HERE!!! MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!
The mean Brasillian assholes stole my money, and threw me down on the ground, and put their guns on me, and the other swimmers too, but most importantly MEEEE!!!
I can’t believe they did that!!! To MEEEE!!!

+1 if you can add a fish-sticks reference.

Wait, so in this version Ryan Lochte fucked up someone elses property, acted like an asshole, and didn’t actually lose any money. He is the Trump of Urinegate 2016.

So Lochte basically told the Cartman version of the story

Here’s the thing about being a Jets fan. It’s just so goddamn bland and generic. The best offensive player they had in my lifetime is either Curtis Martin or Keyshawn, both of whom will be remembered by fans of other teams as “pretty good”. Their best QB’s are either Noodle-Armed Chad or Vinny, both of whom are just…

ROLL TEARS ROLL 45-31 WE SURE pOUred Some SUGAR ON yOUr ASS

Yeah, I can’t believe she’d treat a friend who she disagrees with on an issue w/ respect instead of throwing him under the bus.

Bless your heart and Gundy’s mullet.

Oh great, Oklahoma was voted #21 by the readers. This can only mean that the #1 team is going to end up being the Florida Atlantic Owls at this stupid rate.