Barbara Bush: Oh its a shame poor Marvin died so very young.

"I can't believe I married someone named Jeb."

If absolutely no guy ever thinks you like him, what that really means is you're ugly, yes? (Because he doesn't like you, and thus isn't jonesing to either lay you or win your hand.)

The best thing about guinea pigs is the weird ass noises they make.

Mr. Monopoly has seen some shit. Once you've been to Park Place after dark, you're never the same.

this makes my heart happy

Kourtney Kardashian is the patron saint of Resting Bitch Face. It's what I like best about her.

I DID NOT KNOW THIS WAS A SHOW oh my god you are my queen today bless you

SO MANY FEELINGS

Oh shit we got a historical fight in the comments

Oh - and Eileen Fisher! On the $$$ side but can be found at real gal prices on sale/thrifting etc.

I feel very short and non-willowy.

The worst part of Chuckie E. Cheese is after. Oh, God, the after. I assumed I was in for an easy night. They had to be exhausted, right? No. Absolute pandefuckingmonium. There was crying, screaming, an attempt to exit a moving vehicle, violence and vomiting.

CORRECTION: I was not wasted, I'm just disgusting.

What were they interviewing the dog about? Tennis balls? The proper length for a belly rub? His reaction to America's presence in Syria? I MUST KNOW

Worse: "Internet Commenter."

Anastasia refers to her ass as her "behind," her vagina as her "sex." Her juvenile exclamations of "Jeez!" and "Oh, my!" and "Hmmm" are interspersed with the least specific descriptions of Christian Grey—the guy who threatens to beat her up for mouthing off or misbehaving—as the hottest man in the history of…

Erin, you have saved my life. This morning I realised that, to be able to properly make fun of Seven Shades of Shit, I was going to have to read it.