Tom Hanks doesn't understand Chet Haze.

Whether he knows it or not, Mr. Al Franken and I have a little bit of history. The first time happened at the Uptown Lund's in Minneapolis, pre-Senator. I was minding my business when my little two-tiered basket cart was pushed to the side by my friend frantically trying to get out of a very angry looking Al Franken…

I did the same thing, with the scars to prove it. I tried to hide what I had done when my mom came to check on me, but bath water tinged pink from blood tends to raise some warning bells.

I could give you about four, but I don't need to relive the horror.

Guys, not only do we get the joy of Melissa McCarthy, we also get Miranda Hart? SQUEEEEE!

I love how many times you claim to be this great, nice, hard-working person, but immediately resort to name calling. You are one distressed individual and I truly feel sorry for anyone that has the displeasure of meeting/knowing you.

To be fair, I stopped reading your entirely off the rails tirade the minute you start using caps. You wrote almost 4000 words about how you hate that servers don't write things down. But if your attitude about servers is so terrible, why are you even going out to eat? If forgotten condiments really upset you that…

I'm sort of torn here, because the tips are never specifically about preventing rape, and are not gendered in any way. They are broad safety tips, which are useful for both men and women. A follow-up directed specifically about prevention of sexual assaults and rapes, with an emphasis on consent and resources on what…

Wait, am I a centaur? Because I love the Joe Fresh line, and it has now become a staple of my wardrobe.

That's what I meant - a large band or a large cup size are equally frustrating.

Yeah, I think it's the most common bra size. I feel way worse for ladies who are in the 38+ and G cup+ ranges.

Now, now, no need to insult yourself. Your farts smell of clover and your hideousness is only visible when one is high on PCP.

1. Everyone is afraid of the Irish. FACT

Even gold nuggets is pretty silly, in terms of sports. Nothing strikes fear in the hearts of opponents like... GOLD!

Well, I can can speak from personal experience, and I'm sure others can too. When I was bigger, more than a few people sought to inform me that I'm fat. As if I didn't have an access to a mirror. There's no shortage of people waiting to be dicks.

There is a ton of Disney movies on Netflix now. Just in case you wanted to give a try.

You make fair points, but I think the point of view that this community has is necessary, if only to balance the blatant fat-hating that exists. Do we honestly want to say that telling a person they're fat is somehow going to make them less fat? Unhealthy people, for the most part, know they are unhealthy. I'm glad…

It is literally a feminist website. Why would a feminist website stop talking about feminism? You make no sense, sir. Good day.

Speaking from my own experience as one of the (apparently) undateables, I spend more time critiquing myself than I do anyone else.

Well said, and thank you. I love definitive declarations on subjective tastes. (And by love, I mean it annoys the shit out of me).