"I swear to god, if you call the cops I'll throw myself down the depth chart."

Of course, when RG3 says "He was watching over me," he's referring to Malsumis, the Native American god of cruelty who has been plotting his demise since the day he was drafted.

For a blog going after the NFL/Battered women offenders, you guys sure are beating the hell out of this horse.

For balance, here is Robert Plant's scouting report on Carmelo Anthony:

He's got some African in him. And I don't say that in a bad way, other than he definitely believes in witchcraft and probably has AIDS.

I'm starting to think that Goodell and the NFL are lying about their handling of the Ray Rice incident.

Adam Carolla has a perfect line about situations like this:

You know the situation is seriously fucked up when it's getting me to like Adam Schefter

I agree, it seems like an absolutely mind-numbing job filled with endless vapid interviews filled with meaningless, cliched answers to obvi-[is shown the paycheck] I WANT TO BE ONE.

I don't want top dispute the esteemed sociology journal "Cracked," because I think it's on to something, but I always thought a bigger part of it was this . . .

"Who the fuck are you.... Trying to pay girls to send you pictures and videos?"

The real question is how many unwritten rules are being broken here?

This is not what they mean when they talk about working your way up through the minors.

It took the Waldo County PD quite a while to find Minard, but they finally located him near a tree that they had already looked by, right beside a guy in a really similar sweater.

Did you teach him to drink 33 beers before the game as well? Because he's not REALLY a Jests fan until he's slobbering on himself and spending the entire game either waiting on a beer line and/or loking for somewhere to urinate.

Fast forward to fall of 2013 when I started dating my girlfriend. She's from California and couldn't know/care less about football. She finds out I am a fanatical Jets fan and hears me bitch about Mark Sanchez one day and says "Oh I know that name, who is that?" Once I inform her she says "Ohhhh that's the football…

"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the grease of bacon." -T. Jefferson

"What's next? Grocery stores putting up signs telling us we have to pay for stuff?"

Terrible. I can't believe that poor kid drowned after all.