Or my aunt. The last time we had a family reunion, I kept a running tally of all the celebrity and fictional character names she screwed up - notably, correcting anybody who pronounced them correctly. Over the course of one weekend, we had:

No, you are evil. We need to destroy gluten and kill those who eat it. It’s the only way to be healthy!

SOUUUUUUP was clearly a gesture of friendship. Also, GIMME MAH STRAWZ.

Wow, where to start? ILLUMINATI KALE?
That french plate lady sounds very shallow.
Or... ooh! Ooh! Have you seen the Gluten-Free art gallery? http://glutenimage.tumblr.com/

Sometimes the things society values are worthless. Focus on building value that matters :-)

I know I should be accepting of everything people choose to do, but what kind of society is it that makes people so desperate to look “young” that they paralyze their faces with poison? What is wrong with us? How much have we devalued actual human beings to the point where they can’t stand a single wrinkle? I want…

“I have no mouth, and I must scream.”

Always!
But yeah, “sweetie” is either a genuinely kind term of endearment, or obnoxious assiness. Even if someone’s point of view is tchncially correct, the moment they condescend and call you “sweetie,” or “honey,” or “You poor child,” they not only become wrong, every single thing they have said in the past, present,…

The only times someone has used “sweetie” on me, it is one of the following three:
A: A family member using a term of endearment out of kindness.
B: A really condescending asshat who needs to be beaten with a trash can.
C: A family member who is being really condescending and an asshat.

Sorry about the violent imagery,…

This is the kind of thing owned by people who wear suits made of human skin.

Deathclaws next.

I think that the Urban Vs. Rural question makes it far more complex.

My mother, who could never stand spice - pepper was too much for her - once mistook wasabi for guacamole.

It was simultaneously the funniest and most tragic thing ever.

So, what’s Pinkham’s Law going to be this time?
“How DARE those customers leave a tip! They should be shot for politeness! If i saw a polite customer, I would rip out his throat and feast on the remains! AZH NAGH GIMBATHULHU!!!”
(in my mind, a lot of restaurant patrons worship Sauron-Sothoth)

I have a mild allergy to macadamia nuts. They make my throat itch. Every time I tried to explain it to my parents, my dad would say, “Oh, I’m so sorry! We’d better make sure not to serve you those.”
And then he would put them in every dessert he made, and not tell me. And the cycle would begin anew. He still does it…

As an employer of mine once said:
“Thank you for volunteering your hours this week.”
She said that on Friday. This was how we learned that we had “volunteered” for a week.

Well, it’s part of the server’s wges. Butafter you’ve gont over this about twenty times and the other guy doesn’t undestand it, you can also go thr charity route.

And yes, the context for that was - people ased Jesus the equivalent of, “Isn’t taxation theft?” And his response was, “Well, whose picture is on the coin?…

In other news, I got in a fight in a Reformed Baptist discussion group about tracts vs. tips. It went better than it ooked, though - it basically turned into five peopel saying, “TIP WELL. DO NOT EAT OUT UNLESS YOU TIP WELL. IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE A TRACT, TIP MORE,” and one guy going, “But I wanna be selfish because…

Okay, guys. Not cool. CLEARLY the “Do you know who the fuck I am” guy had amnesia, and genuinely needed the help. Maybe he’s a secret double-agent from the Mars rebellion. Or maybe he’s just from a soap opera. But either way, that was clearly a cry for help, which would have led to a cool ‘80s sci-fi action movie.

“You aren’t black enough” is worse than even normal stereotyping. Instead of saying “All black people are like this,” it says “All black people HAVE TO BE like this!” And then enforcing it.