STEAKS! works on me 200% of the time

man, writing blogs for the next few weeks is going to be so easy

this month is awesome. as a lazy man, i am really loving being better than a celebrity while putting in absolutely no effort. maybe i should run for president. i could do literally nothing and still be a better person than donald trump. god i feel so good about myself right now

Apparently, once upon a time Wayne accidentally shot himself in the chest

“You gotta feel sorry for him. They had a bad day yesterday, so they’re trying to make it up. Give him a hand. When other people pour poison down your throat, don’t drink it. Give back good.”

i believe Univision’s official response was “Take me daddy.”

buried the lede

truly an exercise in fueltility

i like to believe that a dinosaur tail is pretty much the least interesting thing to see while walking around ny

and that suit looks like a suit a supervillian who can transform into an alligator would wear

if only i could connect with other people in the way corporations connect with me

im pretty high and that youtube video almost gave me a panic attack

As I was growing up, people were always trying to talk about the people they sexually assaulted, and trying to make themselves appear, you know, like not a real rapist. I’m surprised you’re actually listening to me. I really am.

i get the feeling that you are being sarcastic and i also get the feeling that your name is Billy, in which case you have my condolences

I think she suffered by not staying home longer with her kids when she could have.

For the record—and I am not proud to admit this, but it is important for men to talk about it (especially me)—I have said things that are sexist, and misogynist, and hateful, and bad, and wrong, and ugly, and all of the things that are bad to be.

its a bib, to protect his shirt as he eats, like a baby. all Billies are babies

hillary could just play this clip for her next commercial

sorry this does not say “adult” to me: