You almost had me, but the praise for Mordecai gave your joke away. 

No comment on the rest of her behavior, but the 'salad comb-over' just tells me she's got great problem-solving skills.

Probably not too weird, but I spread a spoonful of Nutella onto each bite of a banana as I work my way down to its base.

This article could have been written months ago. I’m sad to see JJ go, but unsurprised would be an understatement.

[ slow clap ]

Thanks. Came down here for that. 

Thank’s for putting this into relatable context for me.

This is a terrible take on a terrific option. (key word being ’option’)

Because being the subject of a documentary is acting now.

It’s truly a shame this man lacks the critical thinking skills necessary to grasp how history books will define him and his legacy. He’ll die as ignorant as he lived.

Agreed. While they had no legal obligation to honor the coupon, it would’ve been a simple, smart business move to do so. Building customer goodwill is crucial to a new restaurant’s long-term success. Mitigating factor: The new operation did offer comped drinks, so they definitely met those customers halfway when they…

80 years old is too old. End of story.

So Sheeran should alter his schtick to accommodate hers?  Why not the other way around? They’re both famous people who made their own choices before stepping onto that stage. 

“I do my level best to not make myself part of story,...

Whatever the reason, I’m sure it’s Obama’s fault.

How are there literally no approved comments on this article? Is Splinter broken? 

He might as well have told us he doesn’t brush his teeth.

You might as well have told us you don’t brush your teeth.

This story is horrifying, of course...but the pizza cutter made me laugh out loud.

Scallops are more expensive than shrimp, which I know you know.