It’s kind of amazing that people like Chelsea Clinton get $60,000 to show up for a 10-minute talk and a 20-minute meet n greet after. Maybe comedians should call themselves speakers and get a much better deal.

I am on an all-cake diet. Highly recommended.

I know Pres. Obama is too classy, but I wish he would tweet every time 45 plays golf, they way 45 used to do when Obama took a minute off.

I know. I have gotten no work done. I’m seriously concerned I will get fired.

Now I want to write that movie.

This question makes no sense, in any case.

Ralph Lauren he ain’t.

Remember how we used to call Birkenstocks “date repellents”? I would date a guy with Birkenstocks, white socks AND complicated facial hair and marry him and live in a cabin in the woods eating squirrels and drinking homemade kombucha before I would go to coffee with one of these guys.

I watched that first season of the Apprentice and was amazed such an awful person existed. Little did I know that that would soon become a path to wealth and fame, and that we would never, ever be able to get rid of people like this. They pop up and we’re fucking stuck with them forever.

This is the most perfect illustration of the colloquialism “Don’t let that come back to bite you in the ass” I have ever seen.

Palos Verdes. Not Paso Robles. I was wondering how the hell they got a conference like this in Paso, which, despite many fine wineries, lacks a certain je ne sais quoi.

Doing a heckuva job.

Voted for Hillary, right. Show me your receipts.

It is a huge moral problem. This is why corruption is so prevalent. Eventually you get sick of losing over and over to cheaters and you give in and become one of them, because what is the alternative? Just stand there and get beaten every single time?

BUT SHE WANTED CHILDREN TO EAT BETTER AND GET MORE EXERCISE! What kind of monster wants THAT?

I quit listening to the news in the morning. It’s Spotify playlists like “Feeling Good!” I figure I deserve at least an hour or two of peace before the gloom sets in again.

Well, Arnold was a shitty governor, but at this point I would take him.

They don’t lose any of their rights.

Where do you think our water comes from?

PS Stop saying Cali.