THIS. WHY? The dog will get up and stare me in the face all day long until I get the camera out, then I could smear liver on my nose and she wouldn’t look my way.

Everyone knows dogs never look at the fucking camera when you're trying to take their picture, so I call a 'shop job on this.

so.....what shoes ARE you wearing?

We knew we were ordering from our local Chinese delivery place too much when they showed up to our new apartment and they a) remarked that we had moved and b) said that our cat had gotten fatter.

Agreed! Hopefully the staff at Pornhub will do the same for me if I have a stroke from too much you-know-what and go silent.

Is there any such thing as negative chemistry? Because these two had less than zero.

*awaits all the comments suggesting that his medical issues were due to a lot of pizza*

I love this story! I was saved by my consierge checking on me and calling 911 a few years back. I used to walk by her to use the gym every morning at the same time. On the 3rd day that I didn’t show she came looking for me. I had a bad reaction to new medication and was completely out of it. I had a very serious…

And yet eating all that Dominoes over the years turned out to be the thing that saved his life? Life really is crazy sometimes...

I suddenly feel so much better about the fact that my favorite Thai place recognizes my voice over the phone

Sort of a side tangent, but I totally (well, maybe not totally) blame Hollywood for the bullshit line I hear about "women not being strong enough to carry a wounded comrade." Most infantry dudes aren't 6'1" and ripped with muscle. I know, I see them every day. Some of them are five-foot-nothing and 100lbs soaking wet.…

Tom Cruise only is tall as Val Kilmer’s belly-button, so he’d be a Navel Pilot.

Well done, staff of Dominos. Just goes to show ya, there are actually a lot of decent people in the world, even if it might seem otherwise sometimes.

ugh the number of people who casually hassle me about giving my son a sibling; MOTHERFUCKERS IT IS NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING, I PROMISE YOU THAT

Even as a kid I recognized this movie as a sappy love story that was trying to trick me into watching with jets.

Not defective. What you are doing is wonderful. Speaking as an adopted child, you will experience a bond and a love unlike any you’ve ever experienced in your life and that very few people in the world get to know. My mother is no less of a mother because she didn’t birth me herself, is in no way defective, and in no…

And THIS is why I wish people would STFU asking women when they’re going to have a baby already or when you’re going to get to work on a sibling for the one you already have or whether you’re going to try for a boy/girl because you already have one of the other flavor. You never have a clue what people are going…

Thank you for this. I have one kiddo and husband and I have been discussing for months whether or not to have #2. We finally decided that yes we wanted to and I figured it would be as easy as the first time. First time I went off BC in July and was pregnant by October. And that was after being on BC for like 10 years…