Once, a cop, parked outside a park (dumb I know). But I was 16 and it was past city curfew for minors so I gave my older sisters name and HE RECOGNIZED IT! “I remember you, I pulled you over on Transmountain in a little white Dodge Neon.” Oh my god I was like “yes sir won’t happen again sorry sir”. MORTIFIED.

Oh and in my case it was a firefighter busting down my apartment door because there was a fire in the building and we were a bit ...occupied...and didn’t notice the alarm. Nothing like having to rush outside after being interrupted in an unclothed state...

Now I’m crying again. Thanks! (Damn perimenopausal hormones.)

The last time my family had a family reunion (I think it was 11 years ago), a family member from the prairies threw me some shade about how I was creeping up on 30 with any kids. He’d married pretty much right after high school and his part of the family is super religious. They had 4 kids (I think).

People love asking about babies, but no one wants to talk logistics!

This is the best thing I’ve ever seen on a car.

I like to say “No, I have a dogchild” and then I tell them all about my doghter, show pictures and then they never bring it up again. :)

“But who will take care of you when you are older?” 

An army of health care professionals that I will be able to afford because I didn’t spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to send junior to a liberal arts school for 6 years to get a degree they can’t use.

At first I thought you meant you got a cake by accident, and I was lost for a little while in a very nice daydream involving various scenarios one might unintentionally get a cake.

There’s no shame in it, but people don’t understand that many women are childless not by choice, but by shitty circumstances and bad luck. It’s an incredibly rude question to begin with, but also extremely emotional and upsetting for a lot of women.

“I didn’t have kids because we, mainly I, didn’t want them. I wanted a perfect home, sex whenever, and to make baked goods all day if I wanted. So get off my jock and live your own damn life, no cake for you, bitch.”

“And a nice house. And nice car. And wardrobe. And vacation time.”

One of my coworkers recently said they got their kid the new Zelda game. I said, I got it too. For myself.

I often wondered how they had such a perfect marriage situation. Genuinely like each other, lots of free time away from each other, similar interests, no kids.

God, I wish I could get cake by accident.

My sister-in-law informed the family of her third pregnancy recently. I responded, quite sarcastically, “Congratulations, you succumbed to the biological imperative to reproduce. Again.”

“How bad can that be?”

Could also be:

Because all those little fuckers will want is chicken fingers and mac n’ cheese.

When people ask me if I have kids, I usually respond with, “No, I have a very expensive computer instead.”