If anyone should know about making up stories to profit off them, it’s Mitch Albom.

Hmmm. Okay, Officer Humblebrag, a door was open but no crime was afoot, you basically wandered in and interrupted a party and wandered back out... how did this little “I look like a stripper” tidbit get to the news?

No, you’re right, it’s actually the poor people who’ve been paying hundreds of billions of dollars into skewing our elections and breaking the system of representation in America. Shame on them.

They used a Dictaphone...

Help is on the way. Governor Snyder has decided to appoint an Emergency Manager for Rio.

Well, no reason to show the gruntled tweets.

Well if 2:00am isn’t the best time for deep speculation I don’t know what is.

• Schnapsidee: German for coming up with an ingenious plan when drunk
  
  I can’t believe there’s no word for this in english, considering it’s how basically everything in the world gets done.

The reverie was broken when Senator Murkowski proceeded to use her platform to say:

There are words in this comment, yet it is strangely incomprehensible.

The men were busy!

They’ve found our secret weakness: snow. It causes shrinkage preventing us from parading our huge peens around acting like we own the world.

Bitches gets shit done.

YASSSSS QUEENS, SLAAAAYYYYYY

I remember the first time I felt the jealousy as I rounded the bases. Glorious.

The woman recording says the Pats fan is still in the overturned box of filth

In order to keep it fresh, fans should try reversing this on the opposing team with a sign that says something like, “My dad will murder my puppy if [opposing player X] scores.

Bruce Arians is available.