My ex once told me “How can you be angry about things I do with other people when you aren’t there?”

That is probably the best fuck up a kid lie I have ever heard.

Spilling chili on yourself forever. Yes.

I’m the liar.

My parents convinced me and my brother that if we were bad they would send us off to a man named ‘mr.simmons’ and he would keep us until we would COMPLY. My sister also pretended to believe this but she was IN ON IT. There was even a name and number in our phone book and when we were bad they would get it out and say…

My mom convinced me that people could change their race.

When I was really young, like eight maybe, my family was friends with some neighbors. They were all white except for the oldest son. I was a kid in a super white town, so confused kid me asked my mom how white people could have a black child. My mother, rather…

Ha, I’ve heard that Turkish tobacco one too, and completely bought it as a child!

I attended a fundamental baptist middle school (ankle length jean skirts, chapel, no pop music, etc) and I distinctly remember a “science” class where they had to do some major mental gymnastics to support a literal biblical interpretation of science. Fossils are a lie from Satan, carbon dating is a trick by…

Last year I went to Europe in the school holidays. When I got back, one of my students told me that she had also been to Europe. She said a famous Youtuber (can’t remember his name) had asked her to go to London with him and she had flown from Brisbane to London, stayed in London two nights and flown home. I was very…

I was 10, which means my older sister was 13. I saw her and mom in the bathroom together a lot. And I was all WTF is this about? And more importantly, what am I missing out on?

My dad told me that cows have shorter legs on one side than the other, so that they can stand on hills and not fall down. He also told me that the leaves he was smoking were “Turkish Tobacco.”

When I was little I went through a phase where I was plotting to run away with a sleeping bag and sleep outside somewhere. I was also, unrelatedly, super scared of dogs. So when my mom caught wind of my plan to run away, she told me that all dog owners let their dogs run free at night. I continued to believe this for…

That my mother was a magical princess. That all of her old ‘80s bridesmaid dresses were her old princess getup. That she had a crystal ball to keep tabs on us when she was at work. I was very, very touched and inspired that she “married down” for love, and admired her magnanimous toleration of her pushy mother-in-law…

“There’s no one else.”

For some weird reason, my father told me that if you cut off your belly button, your butt would fall off. This fucking fascinated me, and I would spent way too much time thinking about what the inner workings of the human body could possibly be to make sure a thing happen.

When I was little, my sister convinced me that she and everyone in my family were space aliens sent down to kill me. Her real name was Christina and she came down in a beam of lavender light. My real family was dead, btw. I went to my mom, sobbing and she was like, “ you’re nine and too old to believe that.”

He reminds me of a business consultant with that level of punchability, but maybe it’s work talking...

guys no more punchable faces today, please. no more

The BEST would be to run into an opponent you hate while wearing a t-shirt that made fun of them, which they don’t realize until you’re already taking the photo. Like this guy.